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Daniel Goleman, PhD: Emotional Intelligence Now
Daniel Goleman is an internationally known psychologist, science journalist, and the author of the books Emotional Intelligence (over 5 million copies in print in 40 languages), Social Intelligence, and Ecological Intelligence. He is cofounder of the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning. With Sounds True, he is a faculty member of the Inner MBA nine-month immersion program. In this podcast, Sounds True founder Tami Simon speaks with Dan about the insights in his landmark book, Emotional Intelligence, and where we’ve come since its publication in 1995. They discuss the physiology and origin of emotions; the relationship between thought and emotion; constructive worry versus destructive worry; self-awareness and the practices that support it; temporary states versus abiding traits; the four domains of emotional intelligence; perseverance, drive, and high performance; cultivating unflappable equanimity; and more.
The Importance of Being Vulnerable
Emotions are the primary way we connect with others. In fact, for all the ways we perceive that sharing our emotions causes trouble, it’s actually worse for us not to. Sharing our truest, most vulnerable selves actually prevents us from the isolation that occurs when we miss out on the deep connection that only comes from this type of transparency. While social media can be a place of great support, it’s also caused a huge challenge. Because we’ve created a world in which we are addicted to showing our curated emotions, social media posts rarely tell the entire story. We’ve gotten accustomed to holding back our real selves—so much, in fact, that we have a totally distorted view of what’s “real.”
On a wet fall day as I was researching the negative effects of social media for this book, I noticed that a heavy sense of melancholy had fallen over me. Pushing myself to go out for a short walk in my beloved Central Park, only a block away, took every ounce of energy I had. When I was out, my sadness didn’t fade, but astounded by the colorful change of leaves, I felt inspired to take a handful of photos. They were the kind that Instagram is made of. When I got home, I decided to post them on social media. But earlier that day I had read something that was still with me: what happened when Tracy Clayton, host of the BuzzFeed podcast Another Round, asked people to repost photos they’d previously shared on social media, but this time, with the “real story” behind them. The photos that most of us would have longed for had painful stories behind them. One woman admitted to a terrible anxiety attack that took her all day to overcome, someone else shared the grief over a loss of a loved one stuffed under their smile at a party, and so on. What this shows us is that we are all running after a farce. But what’s worse, it shows that we’re all co-creating it.
So after a brief pause, I posted my gorgeous fall photos from the park with this: Full disclosure: Inspired by research for my next book about how social media posts screw us up by making everything and everyone seem OK even when they are not, I’m adding the truth here. These pictures were taken on a walk I dragged myself on because I felt sad today for no particular reason (except for that life is a lot sometimes).
I am typically not a sad person, nor am I one who shares it on social media when I am. I am very transparent on my author account, but for some reason, I am less so on my personal page. The response that day when I shared how I really felt took me by great surprise. Dozens of people I rarely heard from came out of the blue with comments, texts, and private messages. And what most of them were saying was, “I feel that way too.” In our technological age, we are more connected than ever before, but also lonelier and more isolated than ever before. I wondered that day, What if everyone stopped staying so busy pretending everything was perfect? What if instead of hiding our vulnerabilities to prevent the isolation we fear, we are driving it?
The bottom line is that, over and over again, I’ve learned that emotions are better in every way when they aren’t kept inside and to myself.
This is an excerpt from How to Heal Yourself From Depression When No One Else Can: A Self-Guided Program to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t by Amy B. Scher.
Amy B. Scher is an energy therapist, expert in mind-body healing, and the bestselling author of How to Heal Yourself When No One Else Can and How to Heal Yourself from Anxiety When No One Else Can. She has been featured in the Times of India, CNN, HuffPost, CBS, the Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, the Los Angeles Review of Books, Curve magazine, and San Francisco Book Review. Scher was also named one of the Advocate’s “40 Under 40.” She lives in New York City. For more, visit amybscher.com.
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LaRayia Gaston: Love Without Reason
LaRayia Gaston is a former model, actress, and the founder of the nonprofit Lunch On Me, an organization dedicated to offering organic, healthy food and holistic healing to those experiencing homelessness. She’s also a regular public speaker, podcast guest, and activist. She filmed a documentary, 43 Days on Skid Row, which shows her time living with LA’s Skid Row residents and offers up a true picture of what life is really like in one of America’s largest homeless communities. In this podcast, Sounds True founder Tami Simon speaks with LaRayia about her new book, Love Without Reason. They discuss the superpower called “love”; why connection and empowerment are central to ending hunger; gratitude as an action, not just an attitude; transforming our “withholding” and scarcity mindsets; seeing humanity “on every corner, in every person”; and more.
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How to Cope with Shame, the Master Emotion
Shame has been called the master emotion because it takes over our bodies and our minds. It can freeze our nervous system. It can place us in a fog, unable to seek help, reassess a situation or reassess what is really going on. Shame defeats our ability to reflect on ourselves, get some support, and move on. Shame can be overwhelming, but if we can look at it clearly and catch it before it takes over, we can cope with it and create conditions that can transform it from an enemy into a friend.
This is not academic to us. We are both well-acquainted with the experience of shame. Co-author of Embracing Shame, Sheila Rubin has been researching shame since she was a shy five-year-old. “In my twenties, I remember having a new job and being so worried about being late for a first meeting that I showed up early and accidentally interrupted a lunch that was happening in the room,” notes Sheila. “I froze in embarrassment. I remember the shame voice saying to me: ‘What’s wrong with me? Maybe they shouldn’t hire me because something is wrong with me.’ Fortunately, while I was holding the door knob, frozen in shame, someone opened the door and invited me in with kindness.”
Embracing Shame co-author, Bret Lyon, remembers that, as a kid, when the gym teacher blew the whistle and said to pick teams. Everyone else was picked first. He still remembers trying to pretend it didn’t matter while he felt like dying inside.
One client accepted extra work even though he does not want to work weekends because he wants to be liked and couldn’t say “no” because it would be embarrassing.
Another client spoke of shame seeping into her mind about the changes in her body since giving birth. She is happy to be a mother, but the changes in her body and the inner dialogue in her mind keep her in shame circles. The differences between how she experienced her body and how she feels now is shame.
Our inner conversations may say a variety of unhelpful things. For many of us, it is the voice of not being good enough. Or we might feel like an imposter. If our partner or boss says that we made a mistake, that may be a trigger for a shame attack.
Here are some clues to know when shame may be operating in your mind and body:
Thoughts: There’s something wrong with me and I don’t want anyone to know. Maybe I am an imposter and I need to hide.
Sensations: Feeling shy, face flushed, brain can freeze, difficulty having a conversation.
Reactions: Embarrassed, going blank, blaming others, using activity to numb, withdrawing. Not able to write or think clearly and not know why.
Coping with shame
If, instead of letting shame take over, we can be with and observe our shame, we can actually begin to learn something from it. We can begin to transform shame from a toxic disruptor to a useful informant, from a devastating foe to a useful ally.
Here are a few experiments to try when you notice shame coming up. Instead of putting yourself down, try one, then reflect on the results and write them down in a journal or in your notes app:
Be kind to yourself. Say something kind to yourself to ease the shame.
Pause and take a breath. Pausing for even a few seconds or one minute can offer a new perspective. How might this allow you to set a new boundary or reframe your story in a healthier way?
Set boundaries. Is there an extra shift you cannot take this week? Can you say stop or politely decline?
Name your feelings. Notice what didn’t feel good in your reaction. Can you talk about what you’re feeling in a different way?
Ground yourself. Tap your feet or feel the earth under your feet.
Get support. Talk to a friend who is kind and who can hear your feelings.
Spend time in nature. Take a few minutes to bathe in nature to refresh and replenish.
Understand that change happens slowly. Talk back to the shame inside yourself for a bit and find if the shame can be a little less toxic. Even a small shift or change can help you move forward rather than staying stuck.
Being friends with your shame can begin to change yourself and your life. When toxic shame lifts there can be access to creativity and new doors can open. The weight of heaviness can be put down and we can have new hope for the future. The reason we do this work is so others can find hope when there is shame and they can transform it and heal it.
Sheila Rubin, MA, LMFT, RDT/BCT, has been researching shame since she was five years old. Along with her husband and colleague, Bret Lyon, she is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world to more effectively identify and work with shame. Sheila is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Registered Drama Therapist, and has taught at JFK University and CIIS, as well as being the eating disorder specialist at a hospital and directing Embodied Life Stories performances. For more, visit healingshame.com.
Bret Lyon, PhD, SEP has devoted almost two decades of his life to healing shame. Along with his wife and colleague, Sheila Rubin, he is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world how to more effectively identify and work with shame. Bret holds doctorates in both psychology and drama and has taught at Tufts University, Pomona College, and the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, as well as writing and directing plays in regional theater and off-off Broadway. For more, visit healingshame.com.
What We Long For
Becca Piastrelli is a writer, speaker, ancestral folk medicine keeper, and women’s group facilitator. She is a leader in women’s empowerment and earth wisdom, teaching women how to cultivate a greater sense of belonging. With Sounds True, she has authored the book Root and Ritual. In this podcast, Becca joins Tami Simon to discuss the lifelong journey of reclaiming our sense of belonging, with a particular focus on four areas: land, lineage, community, and self. Becca and Tami also explore the concept of loneliness as both a personal and a systemic challenge, humbling ourselves to the natural world, confronting the pain and grief of colonization, listening to the soul of your home, healing the “great severing” of our root systems, the Indigenous concept of the “ever happening” and receiving the support of our ancestors, the somatic experience of ritual, the importance of being witnessed in our journey of transformation, and much more.
Elena Brower: Following Your Homing Intuition
Elena Brower is a yoga instructor, artist, and designer who is devoted to cultivating meditation as our most healing habit. With Sounds True and coauthor Erica Jago, Elena has published Art of Attention: A Yoga Practice Workbook for Movement as Meditation. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Elena about her upcoming audio offering, The Return Home: Essential Meditation Training for a Vital, Centered Life. Elena talks about the “home frequency” that each of us possesses, as well as how the return to that frequency requires a breaking of compulsive habits and addictions. They discuss the necessity of prayer and forgiveness, and consider the foundational principles of returning to one’s home frequency. Finally, Elena offers a practice for calming and returning to one’s center in the face of stress and overwhelm. (67 minutes)
