Stop Trying to Be Happy: Jeff Foster on Being Held, Not Healed

Jeff Foster —

June 19, 2017

“Your pain, your sorrow, your doubts, your longings, your fearful thoughts: they are not mistakes, and they are not asking to be ‘healed.’ They are asking to be held. Here, now, lightly, in the loving, healing arms of present awareness . . .”

There is so much pressure on us these days to “feel good.” But it’s exactly our attempts to feel good that can make us feel so bad! Conceiving of happiness as a destination rather than the all-embracing non-dual present awareness that we are, we go to war with our unhappiness and feel shame around it. We split ourselves in two and feel far away from Home. I know—I spent much of my life suicidally depressed. These days I love myself exactly as I am; I see the beauty in my imperfections, and I want to share the secrets of self-love with you.

In my new book, The Way of Rest, through prose and poetry I invite you—and this sounds like a paradox at first—to stop trying to be happy, stop trying to awaken or even “heal,” and instead courageously embrace yourself exactly as you are, including your present unhappiness—your painful feelings, your strange thoughts and longings, even your fear and exhaustion. See them all as perfectly placed pieces of you rather than mistakes or aberrations or signs of your failure.

Today, try this:

If you feel sad or afraid, or feel a tension in your body, just for a moment stop trying to “let go.” Forget about “raising your vibration” too! Instead, simply be with the discomfort. Get curious about it. Soften around it. Breathe into it. Give it space, room, some time. Forget about understanding, “releasing,” or “fixing” it today and just allow it to be here for as long as it needs to be here. Let it stay if it wants to stay. Let it go if it wants to go! Let it come back if it wants to come back. Treat it like a welcome guest in the vast Rest Home of your being, a beloved child that truly belongs.

If you’re tired of the fight, exhausted from the struggle, fed up with trying to “fit in,” I invite you to discover a deeper kind of healing: The Way of Rest.

With love from yourself,

Jeff Foster

Posted June 19, 2017

Jeff Foster

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Jeff Foster shares from his own awakened experience a way out of seeking fulfillment in the future and into the acceptance of "all this, here and now." He studied astrophysics at Cambridge University. Following a period of depression and physical illness, he embarked on an intensive spiritual search that came to an end with the discovery that life itself was what he had always been seeking.

Foster, Jeff © Emily Goodman

Listen to Tami Simon's in-depth audio podcast interviews with Jeff Foster:
The Deepest Acceptance »
The Deepest Acceptance: Part 2 »
Unconditioned Awareness and the Challenges of Everyday Life »

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Victory! A Poem

Jeff Foster — January 28, 2021

Victory!

By Jeff Foster

You don’t have to be the best.

You don’t have to win.

You only have to be yourself.

You only have to be real.

And speak from the heart.

And know that you have the right to see how you see,

and think how you think, and feel what you feel,

and desire what you desire.

You don’t have to be a success in the eyes of the world

and you don’t have to be an expert on living.

You only have to offer what you offer,

breathe how you breathe, make mistakes and screw

and learn to love your stumbling and say the

wrong thing

and stop worrying so much about impressing anyone

because in the end you only have to live with yourself

and joy is not given but found in the deepest

recesses of your being

so there can be joy in falling and joy in making

mistakes

and joy in making a fool of yourself and joy in

forgetting joy

and then holding yourself close as you crumble to

the ground

and weep out the old dreams.

Joy is closeness

with the one you love:

You.

You don’t have to be the best.

You really don’t have to win.

You only have to remember this intimacy with

the sky, the nearness of the mountains and feel the sun

warming your shoulders and the nape of your neck

and know that you are alive,

and that you are a success at being alive,

and that you have won already,

and you are victorious already,

without having to prove

a damn

thing.

To anyone.

This poem is excerpted from You Were Never Broken: Poems to Save Your Life by Jeff Foster.

Jeff Foster shares from his own awakened experience a way out of seeking fulfillment in the future and into the acceptance of “all this, here and now.” He studied astrophysics at Cambridge University. Following a period of depression and physical illness, he embarked on an intensive spiritual search that came to an end with the discovery that life itself was what he had always been seeking.

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The Courage to Stand Alone

Jeff Foster — January 13, 2021

The Courage to Stand Alone

It can be scary when we are called to confront our aloneness, the seemingly inﬁnite depths of that empty, homeless feeling inside of us. When all our old protections fall away and the abandoned and neglected ones inside come begging for our love and attention. It can feel sometimes as though there’s nowhere to turn, like we want to crawl out of our own skin, urgently get out of the Now and into some other time or place.

It takes bravery to stop, breathe, and—slowly, slowly, slowly—turn back toward the lonely, dark, empty “void” inside (in reality, there is no void). To actually turn to face the sense of abandonment buried deep within our guts, to soften into the sense of separation that has been with us for as long as we can remember. We don’t have to make the feeling go away today, only lean into it, breathe into it, begin to make room for it, maybe even learn to trust its presence.

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Perhaps loneliness is like a cosmic nostalgia, a preverbal memory of a deep womb-connection, with ourselves, with the planet, with every being who has ever lived. In leaning into our own loneliness, shame, and existential anxiety, we may be able to touch into compassion for the loneliness of every human being, for every heart longing to connect, for every grieving heart, every frightened heart.

We are alone, yet never alone. This is the great paradox of existence. Our loneliness, when not resisted or numbed away, may actually end up connecting us more deeply to life and each other, like it did for me and my sweet father that winter evening.

Let us learn to be alone, then! Alone, without distraction, which is true meditation. Alone, communing with the breath as it rises and falls. Alone with the mind and its incredible dance. Alone with the rain and the morning sun. Alone with the crackle of autumn leaves under our feet, or the crunch of winter snow. Alone with the hopes and joys and anxieties of this human form, living a single day on this remarkable planet. Alone with our precious selves, with this unfathomable sense of connection to all things, with birth and loss and death and their myriad mysteries.

Alone, with all of life.

This is an excerpt from You Were Never Broken: Poems to Save Your Life by Jeff Foster.

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Into the Belly of Meditation

Jeff Foster — December 21, 2020

Into the Belly of Meditation

By Jeff Foster

You are weary, friend.

Sit.

You are thirsty.

Here. Drink.

You are hungry. Here. Take this.

A piece of bread.

A small bowl of soup.

See how God has taken form!

It is all I have but it will keep you alive.

I will light a fire that will never go out.

A sacred flame. Unconditional in its burning.

To illuminate us in the darkness.

Oh. I see you are wounded.

Bruised. Bleeding.

Exhausted from the world.

You have suffered much, I know.

Come.

Take off these dirty rags.

Don’t worry. It’s safe.

There is strength in your nakedness.

Here. Wash.

Rub this medicine onto your wounds.

Put on these robes, they are clean and dry.

Lie down. Close your eyes.

I will watch over us tonight.

Listen. You have not failed.

I see new life breaking through.

I see birth. An insurrection.

The sharp edge of hope.

I have no teaching for you.

No wise words.

I only want you to trust what you are going through.

To bring this fire inside of you.

Until the end.

I have known this pain. Yes.

This courage to keep moving. Yes.

This courage to rest, too.

The sacrifice of the known world.

Friend.

Drop into the belly of meditation now.

The place you were always seeking.

The vast silence at the Earth’s core which is your own core.

Breathing into the gut now.

The throat. The chest.

Irradiating the nervous system with unspeakable

tenderness.

Flooding the body with soft, warm light.

Drenching the human form with divine love.

And sleep.

I may not be here when you wake.

We may not meet again in form.

Yet I leave you with all you need.

Food. Water. A bed.

A chance to rest.

A touch of kindness.

And your unbreakable Self.

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This poem is excerpted from You Were Never Broken: Poems to Save Your Life by Jeff Foster.

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Embracing Empathy as Your Superpower

Judith Orloff — March 28, 2024

What do I do when a loved one is suffering? How do I have empathy if I’m getting a divorce or losing my job? If my family treats me unfairly? Or if I’m emotionally overwhelmed or in chronic pain?

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To start taking a more proactive role in how much empathy you give others at any one time, I suggest that you keep in mind the following “rights.” They will help you maintain a healthy mindset and prevent or lessen any empathy overwhelm that might arise:

I have the right to say a loving, positive “no” or “no, thank-you.”
I have the right to set limits with how long I listen to people’s problems.
I have the right to rest and not be always available to everyone.
I have the right to quiet peacefulness in my home and in my heart.

Practice: Take a Sound Break to Repair Yourself

Plan periods of quiet to recover from our noisy, fast-paced world. This helps calm your nervous system and your mind, an act of self-empathy.

It’s rejuvenating to schedule at least five minutes of quiet or, even better, complete silence for an hour or more where no one can intrude. As I do, hang a Do Not Disturb sign on your office or bedroom door. During this reset period, you’ve officially escaped from the world. You’re free of demands and noxious sounds. You may also get noise canceling earbuds to block out noise.

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Though many of us have never met, I feel connected to you. Connection is what fuels life. While empathy is what allows you to find peace. With both, we can make sense of this world together.

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