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How Reframing Conflicts Can Actually Help Your Relatio...
In the Internal Family Systems model, the practice of speaking for, rather than from, parts when they are triggered is an important aspect of Self-leadership. When people receive a message from you, it has two components: the content (the actual words) and the energy behind the words. When your protective parts are upset and speak directly to another person, invariably they will trigger parts in the other. When, on the other hand, you listen to your protectors and then speak for them, from your Self, the message is received in a very different way, even if you use the same words that your parts are saying. Your words lose their judgmental sting or their off-putting desperation and coerciveness. Instead, your respect and compassion for the other person will be heard in addition to the courage of your convictions.
Self energy has a soothing effect on any parts it touches, whether they are in you or in another person. When your parts trust that you will speak for them, they feel less driven to take over and explode at people. What they really want is to have a voice—to be listened to by you and to have their position represented to others.
Practice: SELF-LEADERSHIP AS A WAY OF INTERACTING IN A CONFLICT
These practices—remaining the “I” in the storm or the empty vessel, and speaking for rather than from your parts—can be combined into a general way of relating as a couple when you have conflict. When you begin to fight, each of you can try the following:
- Pause
- Focus inside and find the parts that are triggered
- Ask those parts to relax and let you speak for them
- Tell your partner about what you found inside (speak for your parts), and
- Listen to your partner from your open-hearted Self
When a couple is embattled and each focuses inside, as in step 2, usually they only hear from their protectors. If it feels safe enough, moving an extra step toward vulnerability can reap big rewards. That step involves staying inside long enough to learn about the exiles that your protectors are guarding, and then telling your partner about these vulnerable parts. In most cases, when one partner has the courage to reveal the vulnerability that drives their protectiveness, the atmosphere immediately softens and the couple shifts toward Self-to-Self communication.
This is an excerpt from You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD.
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Stan Tatkin: In Each Other’s Care
Dr. Stan Tatkin is uniquely talented at helping couples shift from being in each other’s faces to being in each other’s care. In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks to the innovative therapist and author about his new book, In Each Other’s Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them, discussing some of the research-based, practical strategies he has developed in his celebrated PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) model.
Give a listen to this gritty, honest, informative, and empowering conversation exploring: cultivating secure functioning relationships; why couples must create their own culture of shared power, respect, and collaboration; finding the balance between independence and interdependence; the one-directional nature of codependency; becoming your partner’s whisperer; why “earned love” is what endures; the fantasy of the same page; attachment versus love; mutual purpose and care as ingredients for an awesome relationship; the physical toll of an insecure functioning relationship; the Sherlocking technique; the power of eye contact; practicing quick repair; touch: an unequivocal signal of friendliness; the basic need in relationship: you and I are OK; the Big Five: sex, money, kids, time, and mess; jealousy and envy; longevity and happiness through co-creating the architecture of your relationship and understanding how you interact under stress; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
Rainn Wilson: Standing for a Spiritual Revolution
How do we reimagine society and build it anew upon a foundation of love, unity, and compassion? This is the central question Rainn Wilson explores in his new book, Soul Boom: Why We Need a Spiritual Revolution. In this podcast, Tami Simon sits down with the actor and comedian to learn, in Rainn’s words, “Why the hell is the actor who played Dwight in The Office writing a book about spirituality?”
Enjoy this inspiring conversation that is at once funny, clever, and sincere, as Tami and Rainn discuss the cultural critique of people on a spiritual path; connecting with others from both our brokenness and wholeness; God, higher powers, and belief in a great mystery; the radiant word “devotion”; finding your authentic voice; the need for a spiritual revolution in our times; creating a new mythology; the potential pitfall in being “spiritual but not religious”; the Latin word “religio”—to bind together; the Baha’i faith; Rainn’s advice to don’t just protest—build something; the maturation of humanity; keeping hope alive and fighting for joy; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
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Nourish Your Body With These Wintertime Foods
Nature: In general, Ayurveda declares winter (November 15th – March 14th) as the healthiest season. However, the body’s natural intelligence copes with the external cold by automatically increasing the agni in the belly (a physiological response), resulting in increased inner warmth. Naturally, appetite and hunger also increase in parallel. Hence, if we fast in this season or eat a lot of cold and light foods, like salads, vata dosha can go up due to increased quality of lightness and coldness (the principle of “like increases like” at work). So eating nutritious fatty food at the right time (in winter) is a precautionary measure.
Goal: We make the best use of a naturally increased agni in winter and make every meal count. We can eat nourishing foods (see “Preferred Winter Food List” that follows) to proactively build health and immunity for the entire year ahead.
Flavors: Increase intake of sweet, sour, and salty; reduce intake of sour, pungent, and bitter.
Qualities: Prefer heavy over light, and fatty over dry foods.
Specifics: Hearty meat and vegetable soups with added ghee fortify the body. A midday drink of Ayurvedic buttermilk is recommended every day. Eat 1 tablespoon raw honey daily if possible (especially in the morning).
Preferred Winter Food List
- Cereals: Unfermented wheat products (bran, cereal, chapatis, cookies, cream of wheat, crepes, dumplings, pudding, tortillas), white or brown rice, rice pudding. In moderation: quinoa, millet, oats.
- Legumes and beans: Black gram, black beans, kidney beans, mung.
- Vegetables: Asparagus, beets, cabbage, carrots, cilantro, eggplant, fennel root (anise), garlic, green beans, green peas, leeks, okra (in early winter only), onions (cooked), parsnips, pumpkin, radish, rutabaga, spaghetti squash, spinach, sweet potatoes, turnips, winter melon, winter squash.
- Fruits: Amalaki (a nutritious fruit supplement; available online), almonds, apples, dates, figs, grapefruit, guavas, lemon, lime, mandarins, oranges, pears, plums, pomegranate, tangerines.
- Meat: Chicken, deer, goat, pig, rabbit, seafood soup, turkey.
- Alcohol: Aged wine is ideal.
- Seeds: Sesame.
- Dried fruits and nuts: Almonds, cashews, macadamia nuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, raisins, walnuts.
- Dairy: Sweet butter, Ayurvedic buttermilk (takra), sweet cream, milk (boiled), yogurt, (never frozen or with fruit, always eat with added raw honey or crushed back pepper).
- Water: Drink boiled water reduced to warm, drinkable temperature.
- Fat: Ghee is best; all other natural cooking oils are also fine (except mustard oil).
- Other: Honey, chyawanprash (Ayurvedic supplement), vinegar in moderation.
Avoid in Winter
- Fasting and skipping meals
- Eating salads and raw foods
- Consuming chilled foods like ice cream, chilled water, frozen foods
Looking for more great reads?
Excerpt from Ayurveda Lifestyle Wisdom by Acharya Shunya.
Acharya Shunya is the founder of Vedika Global, a spiritual foundation dedicated to elevating consciousness, building community, and serving humanity by illuminating India’s Vedic spiritual traditions of Ayurveda, yoga, and Vedanta. In association with its graduates, Vedika Global offers courses at Stanford University’s Health Improvement program. In 2015, she was recognized as a Top 100 teacher of Ayurveda and Yoga by Spirituality & Health Magazine and was invited to represent Ayurveda in the U.S. by India’s Ministry of AYUSH (Health) and Overseas Affairs. She is president of the California Association of Ayurvedic Medicine. For more information, visit vedikaglobal.org or acharyashunya.com.
Bruce Tift: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy
Bruce Tift has been a psychotherapist since 1979, a practitioner of Vajrayana Buddhism for more than 35 years, and has taught at Naropa University for 25 years. He is the author of the Sounds True audio learning course Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Path of Liberation. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Bruce about his perspectives on therapy as informed by Buddhist insights—examining how our “neurotic organization” exists to insulate us from legitimate suffering, why much of our growth comes from acting in ways that are counter-instinctual, and what it might mean to practice psychotherapy with the view that there is no problem we actually need to solve. (66 minutes)
Listening to Our Deepest Wisdom, Part One: The Soul’...
Tami Simon speaks with Marion Woodman, a renowned international teacher, workshop leader, and Jungian therapist. A widely read author on analytical and feminine psychology with over half a million books in print, Marion has created several Sounds True audio courses, including The Crown of Age and Sitting by the Well. In the first half of this newly released, two-part interview, recorded in the year 2000, Tami speaks with Marion about the cancer diagnosis Marion received and how it has changed her perspective on life. Marion also speaks eloquently of the courage to face our mortality, how life can be seen as a series of birth canals, and the gifts of humor and faith that come to us with age. (60 minutes)