600 Podcasts and Counting...
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How Reframing Conflicts Can Actually Help Your Relatio...
In the Internal Family Systems model, the practice of speaking for, rather than from, parts when they are triggered is an important aspect of Self-leadership. When people receive a message from you, it has two components: the content (the actual words) and the energy behind the words. When your protective parts are upset and speak directly to another person, invariably they will trigger parts in the other. When, on the other hand, you listen to your protectors and then speak for them, from your Self, the message is received in a very different way, even if you use the same words that your parts are saying. Your words lose their judgmental sting or their off-putting desperation and coerciveness. Instead, your respect and compassion for the other person will be heard in addition to the courage of your convictions.
Self energy has a soothing effect on any parts it touches, whether they are in you or in another person. When your parts trust that you will speak for them, they feel less driven to take over and explode at people. What they really want is to have a voice—to be listened to by you and to have their position represented to others.
Practice: SELF-LEADERSHIP AS A WAY OF INTERACTING IN A CONFLICT
These practices—remaining the “I” in the storm or the empty vessel, and speaking for rather than from your parts—can be combined into a general way of relating as a couple when you have conflict. When you begin to fight, each of you can try the following:
- Pause
- Focus inside and find the parts that are triggered
- Ask those parts to relax and let you speak for them
- Tell your partner about what you found inside (speak for your parts), and
- Listen to your partner from your open-hearted Self
When a couple is embattled and each focuses inside, as in step 2, usually they only hear from their protectors. If it feels safe enough, moving an extra step toward vulnerability can reap big rewards. That step involves staying inside long enough to learn about the exiles that your protectors are guarding, and then telling your partner about these vulnerable parts. In most cases, when one partner has the courage to reveal the vulnerability that drives their protectiveness, the atmosphere immediately softens and the couple shifts toward Self-to-Self communication.
This is an excerpt from You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD.
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Stan Tatkin: In Each Other’s Care
Dr. Stan Tatkin is uniquely talented at helping couples shift from being in each other’s faces to being in each other’s care. In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks to the innovative therapist and author about his new book, In Each Other’s Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them, discussing some of the research-based, practical strategies he has developed in his celebrated PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) model.
Give a listen to this gritty, honest, informative, and empowering conversation exploring: cultivating secure functioning relationships; why couples must create their own culture of shared power, respect, and collaboration; finding the balance between independence and interdependence; the one-directional nature of codependency; becoming your partner’s whisperer; why “earned love” is what endures; the fantasy of the same page; attachment versus love; mutual purpose and care as ingredients for an awesome relationship; the physical toll of an insecure functioning relationship; the Sherlocking technique; the power of eye contact; practicing quick repair; touch: an unequivocal signal of friendliness; the basic need in relationship: you and I are OK; the Big Five: sex, money, kids, time, and mess; jealousy and envy; longevity and happiness through co-creating the architecture of your relationship and understanding how you interact under stress; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
Rainn Wilson: Standing for a Spiritual Revolution
How do we reimagine society and build it anew upon a foundation of love, unity, and compassion? This is the central question Rainn Wilson explores in his new book, Soul Boom: Why We Need a Spiritual Revolution. In this podcast, Tami Simon sits down with the actor and comedian to learn, in Rainn’s words, “Why the hell is the actor who played Dwight in The Office writing a book about spirituality?”
Enjoy this inspiring conversation that is at once funny, clever, and sincere, as Tami and Rainn discuss the cultural critique of people on a spiritual path; connecting with others from both our brokenness and wholeness; God, higher powers, and belief in a great mystery; the radiant word “devotion”; finding your authentic voice; the need for a spiritual revolution in our times; creating a new mythology; the potential pitfall in being “spiritual but not religious”; the Latin word “religio”—to bind together; the Baha’i faith; Rainn’s advice to don’t just protest—build something; the maturation of humanity; keeping hope alive and fighting for joy; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
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Three Black Men
We know that we’re living in a critical time in human history. We know that we can no longer say, “It’s not my responsibility.” What is it that this time begs us to see? In this podcast, Tami Simon joins visionary leaders Bayo Akomolafe, Orland Bishop, and Resmaa Menakem for a compelling conversation about the intersection of past, present, and future and the creation of new rituals and pathways for healing, equity, and belonging for all people.
Tune in as Bayo, Orland, and Resmaa discuss with Tami: “facing the monstrous” and reconciling that which we’ve chosen to avoid; how transformation is inevitably disabling; stopping the propagation of violence and fear in the human psyche; the metaphor of the fissure in the road; the power of ritual to foster inclusion and “metabolize” trauma; initiating the shift from the profane to the sacred; tapping the generative energies awaiting expression; imaginal cells and the analogy of the caterpillar and the butterfly; the evolution of music and trusting the maturation of creative acts; the Trickster archetype, and how oppression is never complete; getting out of the habit of predicting what comes next; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
Pānquetzani: Tune in to the Womb: Thriving Postpartum
Pānquetzani is a traditional herbalist, healer, and birthkeeper from a matriarchal family of folk healers from the valley of Mexico, La Comarca Lagunera, and Zacatecas. At a time when countless women in BIPOC communities are facing a maternal mortality crisis, Pānquetzani is working to bring back the nearly lost Indigenous approaches to childbirth and the postpartum journey. In her new book, Thriving Postpartum, she shares the sacred ritual of la cuarentena (or quarantine) that honors, nurtures, and empowers a birthing person’s transition into their new life.
Enjoy Tami Simon’s conversation with Pānquetzani exploring the philosophy of “use what you have,” sacred foods and using ritual in your approach to nutrition, sacrifice and reciprocity, community care and creating a collective framework for postpartum healing, maintaining your sovereignty (and sanity) within the Western medical system, the “postpartum doorstep drop off” and other simple ways to support new moms, postpartum depression from the perspective of traditional Mexican medicine, honoring the placenta, healing intergenerational trauma, the practice of tuning in to your womb, and more.
The Choice to Be an Artist at Work
Ari Weinzweig is the cofounder of Zingerman’s Community of Businesses, which includes Zingerman’s Deli and more than a dozen other food-based businesses in Ann Arbor, Michigan. He has also published a series of books detailing his unique philosophies on leadership and transformation, titled A Lapsed Anarchist’s Approach. With Sounds True, Ari is a featured presenter in the Inner MBA program. In this episode, Tami Simon speaks with Ari about his decision to forgo the franchise model and run his businesses from the heart—not unlike making art or writing poetry. They discuss the “visioning” process that Zingerman’s uses to grow in positive ways while staying true to their organizational roots. Ari also shares his personal recipe for transforming the beliefs that drive our behavior, both in business and in life.
