Sharing your life with another person is often as challenging as it is rewarding. And while many therapists say they’d choose any specialty over working with couples, Dené Logan says, “I’ll take them all!” In her private practice, Dené supports clients in rebalancing the feminine and masculine energetics of intimacy as the key to a thriving partnership.
Here, she speaks with Tami Simon about her new book with Sounds True, Sovereign Love, and the evolution of a new paradigm for relationship success, discussing: how intimate relationships can support us in the process of individuation; the impacts of centuries of patriarchy; reintegrating feminine wisdom; the “ownership template” and the sense of entitlement inherent in patriarchal relationship structures; the erroneous belief that we need someone outside of ourselves to be whole; eros and the restoration of vitality; why monogamy and the traditional nuclear family do not work for everyone; the wounded masculine paradigm; shifting energy dynamics with the “diagonal move”; relationships as divine assignments; re-parenting ourselves (not our partners); bringing “I’ve got you” energy into your partnership; the hunger to explore the “soul space”; Dené’s definition of sovereign love; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
Since we’ve just completed the release of our 10-part series, We Are the Great Turning, we wanted to introduce you to another podcast with a spirit similar to ours: Outrage + Optimism.
The episode we’re going to play for you is called “Our Story of Nature: From Rupture to Reconnection.” It’s the first in a miniseries that shines a light on our relationship to the rest of nature. Remembering our place in the web of life is an essential part of building the Great Turning.
Be sure to subscribe to their podcast, and give them a follow on social media @outrageoptimism.
Now that this season of We Are the Great Turning is over, naturally, the question that’s emerging is … “What’s next?” As we consider whether to do a second season, we’d love to hear more about what you got from the first. What impact has it had in your life, and what might you love to hear from us next? Send us an email or a voice note at greatturning@soundstrue.com or send Jess a DM on Instagram @jess_serrante.
Have you ever been ice-skating before? It sounds like a fun winter activity (especially if you enjoy the cold, like I do), but it can be frustrating and even downright scary if you’re new to it.
Picture this: I took my nephew ice-skating for the first time, full of excitement to see him experience some joy. At twelve years of age, he was already taller than me and had size thirteen feet thanks to his six-foot-eight-inch-tall dad (my brother). The biggest rental skates they had came with worn-out laces rather than the secure plastic bindings all of the other skates had. I could see that they were a little loose around the ankle, but we tied them as best we could and hit the ice.
If you’ve ever seen a newborn deer figuring out how to walk for the first time, you can picture my nephew’s first time on ice skates. His ankles kept knocking in, and he was reaching to hold onto anything for dear life as he wobbled around the perimeter of the rink. It was difficult to watch, not because it was embarrassing, but because I know how hard he is on himself when he’s not immediately good at new things. I wanted to see him having fun, and instead I saw him frustrated and discouraged as all he could do was attempt to remain vertical.
I figured it couldn’t get worse, so I suggested that we trade in his skates for a smaller pair with the more secure plastic buckles to see if that made any difference. He went along with it, probably just to humor me, and we stuffed his feet into some size twelves and made sure his ankle support was good as could be. When I tell you it was a night and day difference, I’m not exaggerating. Suddenly he was speeding around the ice like a pro, lapping past me and his sisters with the biggest smile on his face. He circled the rink over and over again; as his confidence grew, so did his joy, and he even began to try tricks and spins. All he had needed was one little adjustment to his foundation, and he suddenly felt safe enough to have fun.
Here’s the thing: most of us go around in our lives on rickety old skates with worn-out laces. When your only focus is doing your best to remain upright, there’s not much room for joy or play. The big shame in that is that play often is the medicine we most need.
In my experience, the crux of inner child work is reconnecting to the part of you who knows how to play. Sometimes you may first need to make some adjustments that allow you to feel safe enough to play, like practicing nervous system regulation and self-soothing. Once you’ve done that, though, your goal is to invite in as much play as possible. And not adult versions of play that are really just a facade for dissociative behaviors, but real, childlike wonder.
Invite in curiosity and awe and silliness and uninhibited joy. Start by returning to the things you loved to do when you were a kid. Maybe that means setting aside time each weekend for arts and crafts. Maybe it means participating in physical activities that feel like play, such as dancing, swimming, sports, or jumping on a trampoline. Maybe it just means giving yourself permission to skip while you walk or sing while you drive.
The point is, when you bring those younger versions of you into your present-day life, you not only have more fun, but you also experience more healing. We were never meant to lose touch with our inner child. Yes, it’s important to learn how to be self-sufficient and responsible, and aging is inevitable. But it’s equally important not to take yourself too seriously along the way.
Try This
Your homework is to set regular playdates with your inner child. Do things that sound like fun, even if they don’t make logical sense. Allow yourself to be as carefree and openhearted as possible, without judging the things that bring you joy. The sillier it feels, the more on point you likely are. Here are some examples to consider:
Take an afternoon off of work and go to an amusement park.
Schedule an evening of watching your favorite childhood movies.
Spend the weekend out in nature, frolicking with your imagination.
Try something brand new, like rock climbing or ice-skating, to tap into that feeling of beginner’s mind.
Play is an important part of our overall well-being. Consistently making time to get into that creative flow state will help you deepen your relationship with your inner child . . . and your adult self. I suggest checking in at least once per month, if not weekly, to see where you can fit more play into your life.
Excerpted from Choose Your Self: How to Embrace Being Single, Heal Core Wounds, and Build a Life You Love.
Megan Sherer
Megan Sherer is a certified somatic therapist and licensed hypnotherapist whose mission is to help others build healthy and fulfilling relationships, starting with self. She hosts the Well, Then podcast and founded the women’s therapy app The Self Care Space. For more, visit megansherer.com.
Emotions are Vital Aspects of Thinking, Acting, and Working
People once believed that emotions were the opposite of rationality, or that they were lower than or inferior to our allegedly logical processes. But decades of research on emotions and the brain have overturned those outdated beliefs, and we understand now that emotions are indispensable parts of rationality, logic, and consciousness itself. In fact, emotions contain their own internal logic, and they help us orient ourselves successfully within our social environments. Emotions help us attach meaning to data, they help us understand ourselves and others, and they help us identify problems and opportunities. Emotions don’t get in the way of rationality; they lead the way, because they’re vital to everything we think and everything we do. Emotions aren’t the problem; they’re pointing to the problem, and they’re trying to bring us the precise intelligence and energy we need to deal with the problem.
In this book, we’ll learn how to listen to emotions as uniquely intelligent carriers of information, and how to build healthy and effective social and emotional environments at work – not by ignoring or silencing emotions (you can’t), but by listening to them closely, learning their language, and creating a communal set of emotional skills that everyone can rely on. This work is not difficult at all, but it can be unusual in an environment that wrongly treats emotions as soft, irrational, or unprofessional.
The serious problems we’ve baked into the workplace don’t come from any specific management style or ideology, so I won’t focus on managers or leaders as if they’re uniquely powerful or uniquely to blame. These problems also aren’t limited to specific occupations or income brackets (though low-wage work is regularly dehumanizing and hazardous); these are long-term, widespread problems based on a failed workplace model – and on an outdated social and emotional approach that does not support (or in many cases, even comprehend) human relationships and human needs.
This book is the result of decades of exploration and study into how the workplace got to be so unworkable, plus decades of experience in how to access the existing genius in people’s emotional responses (in surprisingly simple ways once you understand how emotions and empathy work). With the help of the genius in our emotions, we can create emotionally well-regulated and worthwhile places for all of us to earn our living and spend our lives.
Luckily, we don’t have to do anything special to welcome emotions into the workplace, or even to make room for them, because emotions are and always have been in the workplace. They’re in the responses people have to workplace abuses; they’re in disengaged workers; they’re in workers seeking other jobs while on the job; they’re in workers who rightly avoid communicating upward about serious problems; they’re in low-wage workers who learn how to survive in hellscapes like call centers, fast-food restaurants, gig work, and robot-like warehouse jobs; they’re in living-wage workers who tolerate unhealthy workplaces because they can’t afford to leave their health insurance behind; and they’re in high-wage workers who may have to bow down to their superiors and compete with their colleagues to be seen as “winners” – and whose experiences of workplace abuse may not be taken seriously because they make so much money and therefore have no right to complain.
We can also see the emotions in our responses to workplace successes; in our healthy working relationships; in the ways we gather together to solve problems; in the ways empathic workers and leaders empower everyone around them; in the ways our colleagues support us when we’re struggling; in the ways businesses step up in times of loss; in the ways we create open communication and humane workflows; in the ways we teach each other; in the benefits, support, flexibility, and living wages we provide for our workers; in the honest sharing of business difficulties or financial losses; and in the laughter we share on great days and rotten days.
Emotions are everywhere in the workplace because emotions are a central feature of human nature. They aren’t removable, and in fact, trying to remove them is a huge part of what created the failed workplace model we have today. Emotions are crucial to everything we do and to every aspect of our work; therefore, we’ll learn how to listen to emotions, work with them, and respect their intelligence. And in so doing, we’ll build a better workplace – and a better world – from the ground up.
Karla McLaren, M.Ed.
Karla McLaren, M.Ed., is an award-winning author, social science researcher, and empathy innovator. Explore her books and audios on the power of emotion and creativity here.
This is part of a Conscious Business series brought to you by The Inner MBA®. You can learn more about the program at Innermbaprogram.com
“Why am I the first? Why hasn’t anyone had these conversations before me? Why is everyone so uncomfortable with the truth? Why have so many people in my family felt like their voices didn’t matter?” When Nicole Russell-Wharton asked herself these profound questions, it sparked a difficult yet empowering process of inquiry that led to the writing of an important new book: Breaking Generational Silence. In this podcast, Tami Simon sits down with the trauma-informed healing instructor and bestselling author to share key takeaways from her work and steps you can take to begin a healing journey of your own—for yourself, for your ancestors, and for the next generation.
Give a listen as Tami and Nicole discuss: why we desperately need to hear the stories of our parents and ancestors—and how you can begin to approach the task; generational silence—what it is and how it impacts us; the obligation to protect our loved ones by sharing the hard realities of our family history; speaking with family members who feel “sworn to secrecy”; releasing judgments about your parents and predecessors; faith and forgiveness; the practice of “speak and repeat”; passing on the truths we learn; and more
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
The counterintuitive approach to life that Lee Holden calls the Slow Method has an immediate power to decrease your stress levels, boost your energy, and improve your overall health and well-being in remarkable, seemingly miraculous ways. But why is it so hard for us to slow down, even when we understand intellectually how ineffective and miserable it is to live at warp speed?
In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with the internationally celebrated Qi Gong master and author about his new book, Ready, Set, Slow. Give yourself “the gift of slow” and tune in for this illuminating conversation about: the link between slow and flow; becoming more receptive to the energy that’s all around you; a brief history of Qi Gong and tai chi; a simple awareness practice—“Where am I?”; the coherence of energy and mind that defines the flow state; prioritizing “bliss over busy”; active relaxation; shifting out of stress and into the open space of the heart; how compassion, gratitude, and appreciation help heal the nervous system; mindfulness and an embodied experience of the present moment; liberating ourselves from our conditioning around survival; accessing the inner treasures of your energy system; applying the Slow Method when enjoying a morning beverage, at mealtimes, and in other situations where we tend to be on autopilot; finding your personal motivation for slowing down; breathwork; slow relationships; the Microcosmic Orbit practice; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
