Christian Conte: Healing Conflict: Listen, Validate, Then Explore Options

    —
November 29, 2022

Christian Conte: Healing Conflict: Listen, Validate, Then Explore Options

Christian Conte November 29, 2022

How do we fully meet and support someone experiencing emotional distress—anger, in particular? In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon talks with Dr. Christian Conte about his Yield Theory of emotional management, focusing on the process of “listen, validate, and explore options.” Dr. Conte explains the events that led to his interest in anger management, as well as the origins of Yield Theory. He emphasizes the importance of meeting others where they are, giving them the opportunity to drain anger’s charge from their limbic system. Dr. Conte and Tami discuss why it’s necessary to cultivate humility and how Yield Theory might be applied to our currently divisive culture. Finally, they speak on the “cartoon world” that angry responses often create, as well as the importance of watching what we add to our minds.

600 Podcasts and Counting…

Subscribe to Insights at the Edge to hear all of Tami’s interviews (transcripts available too!), featuring Eckhart Tolle, Caroline Myss, Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Adyashanti, and many more.

Meet Your Host: Tami Simon

Founded Sounds True in 1985 as a multimedia publishing house with a mission to disseminate spiritual wisdom. She hosts a popular weekly podcast called Insights at the Edge, where she has interviewed many of today's leading teachers. Tami lives with her wife, Julie M. Kramer, and their two spoodles, Rasberry and Bula, in Boulder, Colorado.

Photo © Jason Elias

Also By Author

Christian Conte: Healing Conflict: Listen, Validate, T...

How do we fully meet and support someone experiencing emotional distress—anger, in particular? In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon talks with Dr. Christian Conte about his Yield Theory of emotional management, focusing on the process of “listen, validate, and explore options.” Dr. Conte explains the events that led to his interest in anger management, as well as the origins of Yield Theory. He emphasizes the importance of meeting others where they are, giving them the opportunity to drain anger’s charge from their limbic system. Dr. Conte and Tami discuss why it’s necessary to cultivate humility and how Yield Theory might be applied to our currently divisive culture. Finally, they speak on the “cartoon world” that angry responses often create, as well as the importance of watching what we add to our minds.

Christian Conte: Healing Conflict: Listen, Validate, a...

Christian Conte, PhD, is a mental health specialist and leading authority on anger management. With Sounds True, Christian has published Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon talks with Christian about his Yield Theory of emotional management, focusing on the process of “listen, validate, explore options.” Christian explains the events that led to his interest in anger management, as well as the origins of Yield Theory. He emphasizes the importance of meeting others where they are, giving them the opportunity to drain anger’s charge from their limbic system. Christian and Tami discuss why it’s necessary to cultivate humility and how Yield Theory might be applied to our currently divisive culture. Finally, they speak on “the cartoon world” that angry responses often create, as well as the importance of watching what we add to our minds.(63 minutes)

You Might Also Enjoy

Rabbi Tirzah Firestone, PhD: Harnessing Ancestral Pain...

Our understanding of the severe scope of trauma in our world has greatly expanded in recent years. This includes intergenerational trauma, something that all of us likely carry within. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Rabbi Tirzah Firestone about her book Wounds into Wisdom and our collective task to acknowledge, face, and work to heal our invisible wounds and break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. 

Tami and Tirzah discuss: the concept of “image deposits” and “task deposits”; dreams containing real-life experiences of our ancestors, and how they are far more common than we might think; the shift from impotence to agency; harnessing our pain as a fuel for growth; how the human nervous system holds on to unresolved trauma despite the debilitating consequences; hypervigilance and the dangers of overactive stress hormones; overcoming self-blame, shame, unworthiness, and isolation; unlearning inherited beliefs that impair our well-being; choosing compassion instead of “othering”; the roots of anti-Semitism; kabbalah, the mystical branch of Judaism; disidentifying from victimhood; the power of being witnessed; why healing intergenerational trauma is a gift to both our ancestors and our descendants; self-regulation and coming back home to ourselves in nurturing ways; a guided practice for finding inner safety amid stressors; alchemizing pain into wisdom (instead of passing it on); and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

How to Cope with Shame, the Master Emotion

Shame has been called the master emotion because it takes over our bodies and our minds.  It can freeze our nervous system.  It can place us in a fog, unable to seek help, reassess a situation or reassess what is really going on. Shame defeats our ability to reflect on ourselves, get some support, and move on. Shame can be overwhelming, but if we can look at it clearly and catch it before it takes over, we can cope with it and create conditions that can transform it from an enemy into a friend.

This is not academic to us.  We are both well-acquainted with the experience of shame. Co-author of Embracing Shame, Sheila Rubin has been researching shame since she was a shy five-year-old. “In my twenties, I remember having a new job and being so worried about being late for a first meeting that I showed up early and accidentally interrupted a lunch that was happening in the room,” notes Sheila. “I froze in embarrassment. I remember the shame voice saying to me: ‘What’s wrong with me?  Maybe they shouldn’t hire me because something is wrong with me.’  Fortunately, while I was holding the door knob, frozen in shame, someone opened the door and invited me in with kindness.”

Embracing Shame co-author, Bret Lyon, remembers that, as a kid, when the gym teacher blew the whistle and said to pick teams. Everyone else was picked first. He still remembers trying to pretend it didn’t matter while he felt like dying inside.

One client accepted extra work even though he does not want to work weekends because he wants to be liked and couldn’t say “no” because it would be embarrassing.

Another client spoke of shame seeping into her mind about the changes in her body since giving birth. She is happy to be a mother, but the changes in her body and the inner dialogue in her mind keep her in shame circles. The differences between how she experienced her body and how she feels now is shame.

Our inner conversations may say a variety of unhelpful things. For many of us, it is the voice of not being good enough. Or we might feel like an imposter. If our partner or boss says that we made a mistake, that may be a trigger for a shame attack.

Here are some clues to know when shame may be operating in your mind and body:

Thoughts: There’s something wrong with me and I don’t want anyone to know. Maybe I am an imposter and I need to hide.

Sensations: Feeling shy, face flushed, brain can freeze, difficulty having a conversation.

Reactions: Embarrassed, going blank, blaming others, using activity to numb, withdrawing. Not able to write or think clearly and not know why.

Coping with shame

If, instead of letting shame take over, we can be with and observe our shame, we can actually begin to learn something from it.  We can begin to transform shame from a toxic disruptor to a useful informant, from a devastating foe to a useful ally.

Here are a few experiments to try when you notice shame coming up. Instead of putting yourself down, try one, then reflect on the results and write them down in a journal or in your notes app:

Be kind to yourself. Say something kind to yourself to ease the shame.

Pause and take a breath. Pausing for even a few seconds or one minute can offer a new perspective. How might this allow you to set a new boundary or reframe your story in a healthier way?

Set boundaries. Is there an extra shift you cannot take this week? Can you say stop or politely decline?

Name your feelings. Notice what didn’t feel good in your reaction. Can you talk about what you’re feeling in a different way?

Ground yourself. Tap your feet or feel the earth under your feet.

Get support. Talk to a friend who is kind and who can hear your feelings.

Spend time in nature. Take a few minutes to bathe in nature to refresh and replenish.

Understand that change happens slowly. Talk back to the shame inside yourself for a bit and find if the shame can be a little less toxic. Even a small shift or change can help you move forward rather than staying stuck.

Being friends with your shame can begin to change yourself and your life. When toxic shame lifts there can be access to creativity and new doors can open. The weight of heaviness can be put down and we can have new hope for the future. The reason we do this work is so others can find hope when there is shame and they can transform it and heal it.

 

Sheila Rubin, MA, LMFT, RDT/BCT, has been researching shame since she was five years old. Along with her husband and colleague, Bret Lyon, she is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world to more effectively identify and work with shame. Sheila is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Registered Drama Therapist, and has taught at JFK University and CIIS, as well as being the eating disorder specialist at a hospital and directing Embodied Life Stories performances. For more, visit healingshame.com.

Bret Lyon, PhD, SEP has devoted almost two decades of his life to healing shame. Along with his wife and colleague, Sheila Rubin, he is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world how to more effectively identify and work with shame. Bret holds doctorates in both psychology and drama and has taught at Tufts University, Pomona College, and the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, as well as writing and directing plays in regional theater and off-off Broadway. For more, visit healingshame.com.

Yuria Celidwen, PhD: Flourishing Is a Gradual Unfoldin...

Dr. Yuria Celidwen is at the forefront of a historic expansion in the field of contemplative science—or the study of inner practices like meditation, prayer, and mindfulness. Until recently, researchers have primarily focused on major religious traditions such as Buddhism or Christianity. Today, Dr. Celidwen is bringing the long-overdue perspective of Indigenous cultures into the discussion. In this podcast, Sounds True founder Tami Simon speaks with Dr. Celidwen about her new book, Flourishing Kin: Indigenous Wisdom for Collective Well-Being

Tune in for this invigorating conversation exploring: Yuria’s definition of flourishing as a gradual unfolding of aesthetic arrest; cultivating an embodied sense of your interconnection with all of creation; why Indigenous perspectives are vital for solving the climate crisis; honoring spirit, the animating principle of life; a deeper understanding of health; the direct experience of “moments of truth”; sunshine as a seed of awareness; the core right of self-determination; relating to Indigeneity respectfully; the possibility of collective flourishing; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

>
Share via
Copy link
Powered by Social Snap