Susan Kaiser Greenland is an author, meditation teacher, and the founder of the Inner Kids Foundation, which is devoted to bringing the lessons of mindfulness to children. Her books include The Mindful Child and Mindful Games. With Sounds True, Susan has created Mindful Parent, Mindful Child, a 30-day training program for integrating mindfulness into your family’s everyday life. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Susan about her efforts to fold mindfulness into basic childhood education, as well as how she came to this work after 20 years as a corporate lawyer. Susan outlines some of the practices that are ideal for children and why parents should have their own mindfulness routine. Susan and Tami discuss mindfulness-based games and the steps to making common practices (such as a body scan) more fun and engaging. Finally, they consider how to balance the ideal of non-striving with motivated work, as well as what the future of children’s mindfulness education might look like. (62 minutes)
Frederic Laloux is a business analyst and author whose book Reinventing Organizations: A Guide to Creating Organizations Inspired by the Next Stage of Human Consciousness is considered one of the most important management guides of the past decade. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon talks to Frederic about what it takes to become a “next-level organization” that meets the challenges and opportunities of expanding human consciousness. Frederic explains that the next stage of human development will be to move beyond ego, elaborating on how this will look in the business world. Tami and Frederic discuss the difficult balance between fulfilling financial obligations and living out one’s fundamental truth. Finally, they speak on the development of open and spiritually nourishing organizations, as well as the movement toward decentralizing authority in business places. (69 minutes)
When we talk about what secure attachment looks like, it’s not
unusual for people to give themselves a hard time. It seems like such a high
bar, and when we look at it that way, it’s easy to feel not quite up to snuff.
I can relate to that feeling, and I think it’s quite normal for everyone to
feel that way from time to time.
We all have emotional reactions we’re
not proud of, and most of us contribute our fair share to arguments and
unnecessarily difficult conversations. And many of us simply aren’t as present
as we’d like to be. We don’t feel quite here enough—either we’re distracted by
one thing or another, or we’re not as attentive as we think we should be.
Again, all of this is normal. Most of these things happen regularly—at least
they do for me! The main point is to care enough to notice when things are less
than ideal. That means having enough presence to know that things are a little
off and enough compassion to want to do a retake, to make things better.
There’s more wiggle room than you’d think. It’s okay to goof up, make mistakes,
and be less than our perfect self. The attachment system is a forgiving system,
and it makes a world of difference to register when we miss each other and mend
when things go awry as soon as possible.
We can all do a better job, of
course, and that’s where practice comes in. I want to offer you ways to
practice fostering secure attachment in yourself and others. These are methods
for boosting your secure attachment skills. The idea isn’t to ace every one of
these, but pick out one or two that you feel called to work on and practice
these the best you can. Hopefully, there are secure attachment skills here for
everyone—skills you can offer others in your life, skills to practice mutually
in your relationships, and skills to encourage secure attachment in yourself.
Secure Attachment Skill #1: Listen Deeply
Let’s start with one of the more obvious skills. We all know
the value of listening, but most of us haven’t actually taken the time to
develop our listening skills in any ongoing way. When we listen deeply, reflect
back to the other person, and ask questions that help us understand them, we
allow the other person to inform us of what’s going on with them—not in a superficial
way, but in a manner that empowers them to really dive in, feel their feelings,
and express them to us until we truly get them. We’re not simply listening
until they take a breath so that we can jump into the conversation and say
what’s on our mind. Listening deeply means that we respond with considerate
questions meant to foster and convey understanding, and we always give space
before explaining our perspective.
It’s important to note that when we
listen to another person, we don’t have to believe or agree with what they are
saying. Really listening to someone means that we don’t immediately respond to
what they’re saying with denial or criticism. Instead of negating their concern
or getting into an argument about it, we just listen. That’s it. And we can
open up the contingency space even further by trying to resonate with them. “I
understand why you’d be upset about that, and I can see that really hurt you,”
for example. In other words, listening in this way means you’re offering to
hold—to contain—whatever it is that they’re dealing with and be present with
them, regardless of their emotional responses and reactions.
I think most of us have this in
common: more than we want to be convinced otherwise or placated, we just really
want to be heard on a deep level. That can be hard at times, of course, because
relationships can bring up a lot of stuff for us, and it’s natural to have
challenges when dealing with other people, especially those closest to us. But
if we can do our best to listen, we can make the best of difficult situations,
and we’ll have a much better chance of closing the gap between us and the
person we’re listening to.
Secure Attachment Skill #2: Practice Presence
Listening is one of the ways we can show presence, which is one of the most important gifts we can give ourselves and others in relationships. Presence isn’t a static thing; it’s a way of being. Presence means showing up, paying attention, and letting the other person know that we’re there for them with whatever’s going on. It means we do our best to put aside our own worries and concerns and be with them in an undistracted way. This can be hard in today’s world when it’s common to be on our devices so much of the time, but I highly recommend setting your phone or tablet aside when you want to show someone else that you’re truly present for them. Of course, this is impossible to do perfectly all the time, but there are certain things we can do to practice presence in order to become more available to others, as well as to ourselves.
Committing to remain undistracted with another person in a world that is so full of distractions is a powerful and fulfilling practice.Try it at dinner sometime: put everyone’s silenced cell phone in a basket while you’re enjoying the meal together and see what a difference it makes in your ability to connect. Attention is an extremely valuable commodity, and I recommend as much device-free, face-to-face time as you can manage. People know if you’re fully present or not, and it matters to them. Try being present when you’re on the phone sometime. Instead of doing something else—like surfing the Internet or washing the dishes—sit down and try to be as present and attentive as you possibly can. Give undistracted time to the people who are important to you and watch how that transforms your relationships.
Secure Attachment Skill #3: Attune
Attunement can mean a lot of things, but in this case it means becoming curious about another person’s experience and working to understand what they’re all about, discovering them in new ways and trying to resonate with them. How do they see the world? How do they experience their own feelings? And whatever emotions or situations arise, attunement also means that we do our best to connect with other people and let them know we’re there. Attunement is what enables that sense of contingency to arise. It lets the other person know that we really get them—that we’re by their side. This is an invaluable experience to receive and to offer another person.
Being dedicated to attunement also keeps us in touch with when we fall out of attunement with others, which is crucial knowledge to have in relationships. We’re oriented toward connection, but we’re also aware when that connection isn’t quite as we’d like it to be. If you feel you are not quite in sync with someone or are concerned that you don’t fully understand their situation or their feelings, ask the person to tell you more about what they are trying to share. Ask caring and clarifying questions.
Secure Attachment Skill #4: Engage in Joint Attention
Joint attention means mutually being there for each other, no
matter what you’re doing: meditating together, dancing to your favorite song,
telling jokes, making meals, or exercising. Any activity can serve to foster
more secure attachment with your partner, child, family member, or friend when
enacted with joint attention. You could be watching a movie on the flat-screen
from your couch and still practice joint attention (for example, occasionally
making eye contact with each other, laughing together, or having a conversation
later about the film).
Diane Poole Heller, Ph.D., is an established expert in
the field of Child and Adult Attachment Theory and Models, trauma resolution,
and integrative healing techniques. Diane developed her own signature series on
Adult Attachment called DARe (Dynamic Attachment Re-patterning experience) also
known as SATe (Somatic Attachment Training experience). Dr. Heller began her
work with Dr. Peter Levine, founder of SETI (Somatic Experiencing® Trauma
Institute) in 1989. As Senior Faculty for SETI, she taught Somatic
Experiencing® trauma work internationally for over 25 years. As a dynamic
speaker and teacher, Diane has been featured at prestigious international
events and conferences. She is the author of numerous articles in the field.
Her book Crash
Course, on auto accident trauma resolution, is used worldwide as a resource
for healing a variety of overwhelming life events. Her film, Surviving Columbine, produced with
Cherokee Studios, aired on CNN and supported community healing in the aftermath
of the school shootings. Sounds True recently published Dr. Heller’s audiobook Healing Your Attachment Wounds: How to
Create Deep and Lasting Relationships, and her book, The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate
Relationships.
As developer of DARe and
president of Trauma Solutions, a psychotherapy training organization, Dr.
Heller supports the helping community through an array of specialized topics.
She maintains a limited private practice in Louisville, Colorado.
Edward Espe Brown is a Zen priest and the former head cook at Tassajara Mountain Zen Mountain Center who helped found Greens Restaurant in San Francisco. He is the author of No Recipe and the classic Tassajara Bread Book. With Sounds True, he is publishing The Most Important Point: Zen Teachings of Edward Espe Brown. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Edward about the origin of his newest book: a quote from his teacher Suzuki Roshi, who said, “The most important point is to find out what the most important point is.” Edward describes his discipleship with Suzuki Roshi and why Zen practice can sometimes be like feeling your way through pitch darkness. Tami and Edward talk about the tradition of “taking the backward step” and moments of realization that transcend your expected practice. Finally, they talk about Edward’s path away from extremely low self-esteem and the role of difficult emotions in Zen contemplative practice. (77 minutes)
During
the twenty years I lived in a meditation center, I rushed through my morning
coffee. After all, if I didn’t drink it fast enough, I’d be late for
meditation. It was important to get to meditation on time; otherwise, one had
to endure the social stigma of being late (obviously lacking the proper
spiritual motivation), as well as the boredom and frustration of having to wait
outside the zendo to meditate until latecomers were admitted.
When I
moved out of the center, I had to learn to live in the world. I had been
institutionalized for nearly twenty years. Now I was out and about. What did it
mean? There was no formal meditation hall in my home. I could set my meditation
cushion in front of my home altar, or I could sit up in my bed and cover my
knees with the blankets. There were no rules.
Soon,
I stopped getting up at 3:30 am. Once I did awaken, I found that a hot shower,
which had not really fit with the previous circumstances, was quite
invigorating. Of course, getting more sleep also helped.
Then I
was ready for coffee—hot, freshly brewed, exquisitely delicious coffee. Not
coffee in a cold cup from an urn; not coffee made with lukewarm water out of a
thermos; not coffee with cold milk, 2 percent milk, or nonfat milk—but coffee with
heated half-and-half. Here was my opportunity to satisfy frustrated longings
from countless mornings in my past. I would not have just any old coffee, but
Peet’s Garuda blend—a mixture of Indonesian beans—brewed with recently boiled
water and served in a preheated cup.
Unfortunately,
by the time I finished the coffee, I had been sitting around so long that it
was time to get started on the day, but I hadn’t done any meditation. With this
heavenly beverage in hand, who needed to meditate?
The
solution was obvious: bring the ceremoniously prepared coffee in the preheated
cup to the meditation cushion. This would never have been allowed at the center
or in any formal meditation hall I have visited, but in my own home, it was a
no-brainer. Bring the coffee to the cushion—or was it the other way around?
I
light the candle and offer incense. “Homage to the Perfection of Wisdom, the
Lovely, the Holy,” I say. “May all beings be happy, healthy, and free from
suffering.” I sit down on the cushion and place the coffee just past my right
knee. I cross my legs and then put the cup right in front of my ankles. I sit
without moving so I don’t accidentally spill the coffee. I straighten my
posture and sip some coffee.
I feel
my weight settling onto the cushion, lengthen the back of my neck, and sip some
coffee. Taste, enjoy, soften, release. I bring my awareness to my breath moving
in, flowing out. If I lose track of my breath, I am reminded to take another sip
of coffee—robust, hearty, grounding. Come back to the coffee. Come back to the
breath.
A
distraction? A thought? Sip of coffee. Enjoy the coffee. Enjoy the breath.
Focus on the present moment. Remembering the words of a Vipassana teacher of
mine: “Wisdom in Buddhism is defined as the proper and efficacious use of
caffeine.”
I
stabilize my intention. “Now as I drink this cup of coffee, I vow with all
beings to awaken body, mind, and spirit to the true taste of the dharma. May
all beings attain complete awakening at this very moment. As I visualize the
whole world awakening, my mind expands into the vastness.
Friends, this is one of the teaching stories that is shared in my new book, The Most Important Point. This offering comes to you with my gratitude for the efforts of Danny S. Parker, who edited over 60 of my Zen talks for inclusion in this volume.
Lastly, I invite you to try the Tea and Ginger Muffins recipe that accompanies this story. Danny must have enjoyed them!
Edward Espe Brown is a Zen Buddhist priest and was the first head cook at Tassajara Zen Mountain Center.
Danny S. Parker is a longtime student of Brown’s and is an ordained Zen Buddhist priest.
Pick up a copy of Edward Espe Brown’s newest book, The Most Important Point, today!
