Imagine how our world would change if all of our actions were rooted in love and compassion. Is that even possible? In this podcast, Tami Simon sits down with Dr. Cortland Dahl, the renowned Buddhist scholar, translator, scientist, researcher, and author of several books including his newest, A Meditator’s Guide to Buddhism, to discuss how compassion can become the energizing force that motivates you and inspires you each and every day.
Listen now for their insights on attuning to the intelligence of your heart; a neuroscientific approach to healing anxiety; the exciting research and new modalities emerging from the study of contemplative practice; how quickly we can begin to enjoy the profound benefits of meditation; the four pillars of a healthy mind: awareness, connection, insight, and purpose; appreciation and noticing the positive; living life in a meditative way; bringing your innate compassion up to the surface of conscious experience; doing the dishes as an act of love—how every action can become a gift; generosity, the inner richness that can never be exhausted; how empathy and compassion activate the brain’s “care network”; compassion in relationships; the universal longing for meaning and purpose; transformative pain, and why physical discomfort does not equal suffering; dealing with uncertainty; unlocking the insights of our emotions and finding the beauty in difficult experiences; a pith instruction: look at your mind; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
Life can be lived at varying levels, though most people are trapped in the cycles of seeking desires and avoiding fears. The key to deeper living lies in addressing internal blockages and embracing life’s unfolding with acceptance. This frees you to connect with the natural flow of inner energy, or Shakti, which results in a profound sense of love, joy, and unity with existence.
Acceptance and surrender are key spiritual principles that focus on embracing reality as it is and using it to let go of inner resistance and turmoil. Seen in this light, life’s challenges are not problems; they are opportunities for growth and spiritual evolution. For example, karma is not a punishment but a learning tool encouraging you to evolve consciously. By practicing acceptance and surrender, individuals can achieve clarity and respond to situations thoughtfully, which fosters great spiritual growth.
Can you recall an experience from your past that felt simply awful at the time, but you now see as something positive and necessary for your personal growth? When we’re in the midst of a painful situation, it’s natural for us to resist, complain, or wish it would just go away. The last thing we want to hear from someone is, “Be grateful for this learning opportunity!” In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with world-renowned meditation teacher Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche about his book In Love with the World, and how we can begin to transform suffering into a pathway to compassion and connection.
Give a listen for some profound insights on: adding wood to the fire, or turning obstacles into opportunities; thinking outside of the box for solutions; impermanence; making friends with life’s ups and downs; challenging yourself to grow and testing your level of realization in the real world; uncovering the fundamental qualities of awareness, love, and compassion within you; cultivating courage; bardo practice and meditating on our mortality; discovering the ground of luminosity; the four-step process of offering, dedication, intention, and motivation; emptiness, or “unborn awareness”; how acceptance leads to freedom; maintaining confidence and trust during times of uncertainty or despair; and more.
Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.
Why do people experience so many problems in life? If you look objectively, you will see that problems arise because we have deeply ingrained preferences about how life should unfold. These manifest as desires and fears that are rooted in our unresolved experiences from the past. True freedom and joy can only be achieved by letting go of this stored negativity and embracing life as it unfolds. Ultimately, fulfillment comes not from controlling external circumstances but from inner alignment and openness to life’s flow.
Shame has been called the master emotion because it takes over our bodies and our minds. It can freeze our nervous system. It can place us in a fog, unable to seek help, reassess a situation or reassess what is really going on. Shame defeats our ability to reflect on ourselves, get some support, and move on. Shame can be overwhelming, but if we can look at it clearly and catch it before it takes over, we can cope with it and create conditions that can transform it from an enemy into a friend.
This is not academic to us. We are both well-acquainted with the experience of shame. Co-author of Embracing Shame, Sheila Rubin has been researching shame since she was a shy five-year-old. “In my twenties, I remember having a new job and being so worried about being late for a first meeting that I showed up early and accidentally interrupted a lunch that was happening in the room,” notes Sheila. “I froze in embarrassment. I remember the shame voice saying to me: ‘What’s wrong with me? Maybe they shouldn’t hire me because something is wrong with me.’ Fortunately, while I was holding the door knob, frozen in shame, someone opened the door and invited me in with kindness.”
Embracing Shame co-author, Bret Lyon, remembers that, as a kid, when the gym teacher blew the whistle and said to pick teams. Everyone else was picked first. He still remembers trying to pretend it didn’t matter while he felt like dying inside.
One client accepted extra work even though he does not want to work weekends because he wants to be liked and couldn’t say “no” because it would be embarrassing.
Another client spoke of shame seeping into her mind about the changes in her body since giving birth. She is happy to be a mother, but the changes in her body and the inner dialogue in her mind keep her in shame circles. The differences between how she experienced her body and how she feels now is shame.
Our inner conversations may say a variety of unhelpful things. For many of us, it is the voice of not being good enough. Or we might feel like an imposter. If our partner or boss says that we made a mistake, that may be a trigger for a shame attack.
Here are some clues to know when shame may be operating in your mind and body:
Thoughts: There’s something wrong with me and I don’t want anyone to know. Maybe I am an imposter and I need to hide.
Sensations: Feeling shy, face flushed, brain can freeze, difficulty having a conversation.
Reactions: Embarrassed, going blank, blaming others, using activity to numb, withdrawing. Not able to write or think clearly and not know why.
Coping with shame
If, instead of letting shame take over, we can be with and observe our shame, we can actually begin to learn something from it. We can begin to transform shame from a toxic disruptor to a useful informant, from a devastating foe to a useful ally.
Here are a few experiments to try when you notice shame coming up. Instead of putting yourself down, try one, then reflect on the results and write them down in a journal or in your notes app:
Be kind to yourself. Say something kind to yourself to ease the shame.
Pause and take a breath. Pausing for even a few seconds or one minute can offer a new perspective. How might this allow you to set a new boundary or reframe your story in a healthier way?
Set boundaries. Is there an extra shift you cannot take this week? Can you say stop or politely decline?
Name your feelings. Notice what didn’t feel good in your reaction. Can you talk about what you’re feeling in a different way?
Ground yourself. Tap your feet or feel the earth under your feet.
Get support. Talk to a friend who is kind and who can hear your feelings.
Spend time in nature. Take a few minutes to bathe in nature to refresh and replenish.
Understand that change happens slowly. Talk back to the shame inside yourself for a bit and find if the shame can be a little less toxic. Even a small shift or change can help you move forward rather than staying stuck.
Being friends with your shame can begin to change yourself and your life. When toxic shame lifts there can be access to creativity and new doors can open. The weight of heaviness can be put down and we can have new hope for the future. The reason we do this work is so others can find hope when there is shame and they can transform it and heal it.
Sheila Rubin, MA, LMFT, RDT/BCT, has been researching shame since she was five years old. Along with her husband and colleague, Bret Lyon, she is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world to more effectively identify and work with shame. Sheila is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Registered Drama Therapist, and has taught at JFK University and CIIS, as well as being the eating disorder specialist at a hospital and directing Embodied Life Stories performances. For more, visit healingshame.com.
Bret Lyon, PhD, SEP has devoted almost two decades of his life to healing shame. Along with his wife and colleague, Sheila Rubin, he is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world how to more effectively identify and work with shame. Bret holds doctorates in both psychology and drama and has taught at Tufts University, Pomona College, and the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, as well as writing and directing plays in regional theater and off-off Broadway. For more, visit healingshame.com.
