Getting Grief Right
Dear friends,
Only a few months ago, I received word that a dear friend’s child had been tragically killed in a car accident. Although I have worked with hundreds of bereaved people in my 38 years as a grief counselor, I felt worried as I went to be with my friend. “What will I say to this dear man about his loss?”
Then I remembered: “I don’t need to be anxious about the right thing to say. My purpose as his friend is to be present for whatever he might need.”
Supporting someone in their grief is a tall order if ever there was one. How, exactly, do you show true compassion for a grieving person? Here are a few ideas I mention in my new book, Getting Grief Right:
- Simply and sincerely say: “I’m very sorry.”
- No more words are necessary. Really.
- Show up at the house, visitation, or funeral; express simple words of sorrow; and then let the mourning person dictate what happens next.
- She may open her arms for a hug, or she may clearly want to keep people at a distance. He may want to talk about his loss or about baseball. Be with them wherever they are.
- Just simply be with that person and be compassionate.
- Being with a person in grief is a unique, one-way intimacy. Don’t try to fix it or make him or her feel better.
- Listen with your eyes and respond with nods that convey, “I get it.”
- Laugh with them when it’s time to laugh. Cry if tears come.
And remember, even after the last casserole dish is picked up, many who mourn feel forgotten.
- Bring a meal on the two-month anniversary of the death.
- Take your friend to coffee six months after the death and listen carefully to what they share about their story of loss.
- Speak the name often of the one who died.
- Donate to a relevant memorial at the year anniversary of the death or on the birthday of the one who died.
I hope these ideas will help you to create a compassionate community for those who you know are grieving.
Most Sincerely,
Patrick O’Malley
nutty as a fruitcake; not in its right mind; dangerously and absolutely mad—especially in the ways it views women, girls, and the “feminine.”
are feeling called in a new way to align their deepest soul callings with their external lives. There is a global energetic shift contributing to both a magnificent spiritual longing as well as a lack of ease, and the everyday stresses of modern life—along with changes in the Earth’s electromagnetic field—can make us feel strangely separate from our own authenticity. It can feel like standing on the shore of a whitewater river, looking across to the calm green peace on the other side, and wondering how to get back over there. We know there is something genuine that we are missing, but we need a bridge over the separation to return to our own peaceful heart.
