Tami Simon speaks with Geneen Roth, author of the bestseller Feeding the Hungry Heart and the Sounds True audio learning course When Food Is Food & Love Is Love. They discuss the spiritual lessons which resulted from Geneen’s financial losses with disgraced investment advisor Bernie Madoff, and how this experience caused her to re-examine many of her long-held beliefs about money, loss, and the preciousness of this moment. (69 minutes)
Jamie Catto is the creative catalyst behind the popular philosophy/music/film project 1 Giant Leap and the author of the Sounds True music program Internal (with Alex Forster). In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami and Jamie discuss how to tune into our woundedness as a gateway to creativity, how our shadow material can become our life’s “rocket fuel,” the meaning of Jamie’s “Creativity Manifesto,” and much more. Plus you’ll hear samples of three new tracks from Internal. (63 minutes)
Dr. Daniel Amen is a practicing psychiatrist, the director of the wildly successful network of Amen Clinics, and the bestselling author of titles such as Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. He has partnered with Sounds True to release several audio courses including Relaxation, Focus, and Memory Training and Unchain Your Brain: An Audio Program for Breaking the Addictions that Steal Your Life. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon engages Dr. Amen in a conversation about his pioneering brain imaging techniques and the vast implications these methods could have on psychotherapy—as well as society in general. They talk about cultivating better brain health and the effects even minor brain injuries—such as those suffered regularly in contact sports—can have on everyday quality of life. Finally, Dr. Amen and Tami speak on the intersection of neurology and spirituality, and how we can all help our brains age gracefully by making more considerate personal choices.
(62 minutes)
Tip #1: Claiming your discomfort allows you to show up and be present. From the griever’s perspective, it’s a huge relief to be around those who are willing to be uncomfortable and show up anyway.
If you aren’t sure you should say something—ask. Err on the side of being present. Your effort really is noticed and appreciated.
Tip #2: Don’t be a cheerleader. When things are dark, it’s OK to be dark. Not every corner needs the bright light of encouragement. In a similar vein, don’t encourage someone to have gratitude for the good things that still exist. Good things and horrible things occupy the same space; they don’t cancel each other out.
Do mirror their reality back to them. When they say, “This entirely sucks,” say, “Yes, it does.” It’s amazing how much that helps.
Tip #3: Don’t talk about “later.” When someone you love is in pain, it’s tempting to talk about how great things are going to be for them in the future. Right now, that future is irrelevant. Stay in the present moment, or if the person is talking about the past, join them there. Allow them to choose.
Tip #4: In all things, not just in grief, it’s important to get consent before giving advice or offering strategies. Ask the person whom you’re supporting, “Are you wanting empathy or a strategy right now?” Respect their answer.
Tip #5: Lean in and hang back. Respond to your friend, be curious and responsive to their needs. At the same time, don’t ask the grieving person to do more work. Observe how things are landing for them, but in those early days, please don’t expect—or demand—that they show up with their normal emotional-relational skills. They do not have them. Asking the grieving person to educate you on how best to help is simply not something they can do.
Excerpted from It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine.
Megan Devine is a writer, speaker, and advocate for emotional change on a cultural level. She holds a master’s in counseling psychology. Since the tragic loss of her partner in 2009, Megan has emerged as a bold new voice in the world of grief support. Her contributions via her site Refuge in Grief have helped create sanctuary for those in pain and encouragement for those who want to help. For more, visit refugeingrief.com.
Buy your copy of It’s OK That You’re Not OK at your favorite bookseller!
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My husband and I recently attended a talk that Bruce Tift gave at the Shambhala Center in Boulder titled Relationship as a Path of Awakening. Bruce Tift, LMFT, is a private-practice therapist and instructor at Naropa University here in Boulder. (In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that Bruce is also a Sounds True author with an amazing audio program titled Already Free.) In his talk, Bruce discussed at length the both magical and disturbing nature of intimate relationships and how important it is to continually nurture and accept one another, while simultaneously and unabashedly encouraging growth. He highlighted common relationship patterns that he often sees in his private practice and helped trace them back to childhood—namely survival skills that we established upon first connection with our mothers, which no longer serve us. It should be noted that Bruce was not talking about survival skills which could be considered obvious reactions to abuse or neglect from a parent. Instead, he was referring to seemingly innocent details, such as our mothers’ own self-confidence, and how those nuances come to fruition in our adult lives and inform how we ultimately view the world, connect in intimate relationships, parent our children, etc. For me, discovering how much our lives are perpetually infused by even the minutest aspects of intimate relationship was both a beautiful and terrifying realization. How can we ever be fully aware of the implications of our behavior?
In his talk, Bruce also emphasized the need for couples to develop what he calls “healthy intimacy,” which involves building a strong connection, while at the same time fostering a sense of healthy separation. In Bruce’s opinion, the juxtaposition of connection and separation encourages couples to build a sense of individual independence and to shed their own self-limiting behaviors, while also fostering a depth of adoration and understanding for one another and their collective experience. What most resonated for me in Bruce’s talk is that individual development is only as effective as collective development—for in intimate relationship, the two are ultimately one. No matter how much progress we may make individually, if we’re not progressing in step with one another, our collective experience will be perpetually fractured. While this has always been obvious to me when it comes to goals and alignment related to our outer life—finances, health, travel, family, etc.—I’ve never viewed our inner spiritual goals as those that require the most attention and ultimately make our relationship work.
As relative newlyweds, my husband and I are continually exploring relationship and the role that intimate relationships in particular play in one’s practice or personal growth. While people typically rely on those closest for nurturing and support, it is also those close to us who are best equipped to cast light on all our shadows. But how do we strike the balance between building the nest and deconstructing old patterns? How can we encourage one another to be vulnerable and to break our hearts wide open in relationship, while simultaneously using that same openness to examine and cast each others’ skeletons out of the closet? How do we prevent the very delicateness that we create within intimacy from also being used against us? In Bruce’s words, how do we negotiate the hard fact that our most beautiful and unconditional relationships can also be the most disturbing?
Tami Simon speaks with Richard Freeman, an author, teacher, and founder of The Yoga Workshop in Boulder, Colorado, which is also the location of Sounds True’s studio. His background includes Sufism, Zen, and vipassana Buddhist practices. He’s also a practitioner of bhakti, hatha, and Iyengar yoga, and is an internationally respected instructor of ashtanga yoga. Richard is the author of The Mirror of Yoga, and has created many audio learning programs with Sounds True, including The Yoga Matrix, Yoga Breathing, Yoga Chants, and the DVD series The Ashtanga Yoga Collection. Richard speaks about the paradox of self-reference, the discovery and breaking down of samskaras, and how yoga unites the opposing patterns in the body. (54 minutes)
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