Briana Saussy is a teacher, counselor, and the founder of the Sacred Arts Academy. A true polymath, she draws from a background in math, philosophy, and classic languages to teach arts such as tarot, divination, and alchemy. With Sounds True, Briana has released the new book Making Magic: Weaving Together the Everyday and the Extraordinary. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Briana about the moments of magic that permeate our days, but are rarely noticed as such.They discuss how there are potential portals to magic in every instant, including seemingly mundane acts such as entering a doorway or drinking a glass of water. Briana explains that practicing magic helps you reclaim your sovereignty and also shares the teaching story “Golden Locks and the Bear People.” Finally, Tami and Briana talk about the surprising abundance of time for practice and why our society needs more headstrong women. (70 minutes)
When we talk about what secure attachment looks like, it’s not
unusual for people to give themselves a hard time. It seems like such a high
bar, and when we look at it that way, it’s easy to feel not quite up to snuff.
I can relate to that feeling, and I think it’s quite normal for everyone to
feel that way from time to time.
We all have emotional reactions we’re
not proud of, and most of us contribute our fair share to arguments and
unnecessarily difficult conversations. And many of us simply aren’t as present
as we’d like to be. We don’t feel quite here enough—either we’re distracted by
one thing or another, or we’re not as attentive as we think we should be.
Again, all of this is normal. Most of these things happen regularly—at least
they do for me! The main point is to care enough to notice when things are less
than ideal. That means having enough presence to know that things are a little
off and enough compassion to want to do a retake, to make things better.
There’s more wiggle room than you’d think. It’s okay to goof up, make mistakes,
and be less than our perfect self. The attachment system is a forgiving system,
and it makes a world of difference to register when we miss each other and mend
when things go awry as soon as possible.
We can all do a better job, of
course, and that’s where practice comes in. I want to offer you ways to
practice fostering secure attachment in yourself and others. These are methods
for boosting your secure attachment skills. The idea isn’t to ace every one of
these, but pick out one or two that you feel called to work on and practice
these the best you can. Hopefully, there are secure attachment skills here for
everyone—skills you can offer others in your life, skills to practice mutually
in your relationships, and skills to encourage secure attachment in yourself.
Secure Attachment Skill #1: Listen Deeply
Let’s start with one of the more obvious skills. We all know
the value of listening, but most of us haven’t actually taken the time to
develop our listening skills in any ongoing way. When we listen deeply, reflect
back to the other person, and ask questions that help us understand them, we
allow the other person to inform us of what’s going on with them—not in a superficial
way, but in a manner that empowers them to really dive in, feel their feelings,
and express them to us until we truly get them. We’re not simply listening
until they take a breath so that we can jump into the conversation and say
what’s on our mind. Listening deeply means that we respond with considerate
questions meant to foster and convey understanding, and we always give space
before explaining our perspective.
It’s important to note that when we
listen to another person, we don’t have to believe or agree with what they are
saying. Really listening to someone means that we don’t immediately respond to
what they’re saying with denial or criticism. Instead of negating their concern
or getting into an argument about it, we just listen. That’s it. And we can
open up the contingency space even further by trying to resonate with them. “I
understand why you’d be upset about that, and I can see that really hurt you,”
for example. In other words, listening in this way means you’re offering to
hold—to contain—whatever it is that they’re dealing with and be present with
them, regardless of their emotional responses and reactions.
I think most of us have this in
common: more than we want to be convinced otherwise or placated, we just really
want to be heard on a deep level. That can be hard at times, of course, because
relationships can bring up a lot of stuff for us, and it’s natural to have
challenges when dealing with other people, especially those closest to us. But
if we can do our best to listen, we can make the best of difficult situations,
and we’ll have a much better chance of closing the gap between us and the
person we’re listening to.
Secure Attachment Skill #2: Practice Presence
Listening is one of the ways we can show presence, which is one of the most important gifts we can give ourselves and others in relationships. Presence isn’t a static thing; it’s a way of being. Presence means showing up, paying attention, and letting the other person know that we’re there for them with whatever’s going on. It means we do our best to put aside our own worries and concerns and be with them in an undistracted way. This can be hard in today’s world when it’s common to be on our devices so much of the time, but I highly recommend setting your phone or tablet aside when you want to show someone else that you’re truly present for them. Of course, this is impossible to do perfectly all the time, but there are certain things we can do to practice presence in order to become more available to others, as well as to ourselves.
Committing to remain undistracted with another person in a world that is so full of distractions is a powerful and fulfilling practice.Try it at dinner sometime: put everyone’s silenced cell phone in a basket while you’re enjoying the meal together and see what a difference it makes in your ability to connect. Attention is an extremely valuable commodity, and I recommend as much device-free, face-to-face time as you can manage. People know if you’re fully present or not, and it matters to them. Try being present when you’re on the phone sometime. Instead of doing something else—like surfing the Internet or washing the dishes—sit down and try to be as present and attentive as you possibly can. Give undistracted time to the people who are important to you and watch how that transforms your relationships.
Secure Attachment Skill #3: Attune
Attunement can mean a lot of things, but in this case it means becoming curious about another person’s experience and working to understand what they’re all about, discovering them in new ways and trying to resonate with them. How do they see the world? How do they experience their own feelings? And whatever emotions or situations arise, attunement also means that we do our best to connect with other people and let them know we’re there. Attunement is what enables that sense of contingency to arise. It lets the other person know that we really get them—that we’re by their side. This is an invaluable experience to receive and to offer another person.
Being dedicated to attunement also keeps us in touch with when we fall out of attunement with others, which is crucial knowledge to have in relationships. We’re oriented toward connection, but we’re also aware when that connection isn’t quite as we’d like it to be. If you feel you are not quite in sync with someone or are concerned that you don’t fully understand their situation or their feelings, ask the person to tell you more about what they are trying to share. Ask caring and clarifying questions.
Secure Attachment Skill #4: Engage in Joint Attention
Joint attention means mutually being there for each other, no
matter what you’re doing: meditating together, dancing to your favorite song,
telling jokes, making meals, or exercising. Any activity can serve to foster
more secure attachment with your partner, child, family member, or friend when
enacted with joint attention. You could be watching a movie on the flat-screen
from your couch and still practice joint attention (for example, occasionally
making eye contact with each other, laughing together, or having a conversation
later about the film).
Diane Poole Heller, Ph.D., is an established expert in
the field of Child and Adult Attachment Theory and Models, trauma resolution,
and integrative healing techniques. Diane developed her own signature series on
Adult Attachment called DARe (Dynamic Attachment Re-patterning experience) also
known as SATe (Somatic Attachment Training experience). Dr. Heller began her
work with Dr. Peter Levine, founder of SETI (Somatic Experiencing® Trauma
Institute) in 1989. As Senior Faculty for SETI, she taught Somatic
Experiencing® trauma work internationally for over 25 years. As a dynamic
speaker and teacher, Diane has been featured at prestigious international
events and conferences. She is the author of numerous articles in the field.
Her book Crash
Course, on auto accident trauma resolution, is used worldwide as a resource
for healing a variety of overwhelming life events. Her film, Surviving Columbine, produced with
Cherokee Studios, aired on CNN and supported community healing in the aftermath
of the school shootings. Sounds True recently published Dr. Heller’s audiobook Healing Your Attachment Wounds: How to
Create Deep and Lasting Relationships, and her book, The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate
Relationships.
As developer of DARe and
president of Trauma Solutions, a psychotherapy training organization, Dr.
Heller supports the helping community through an array of specialized topics.
She maintains a limited private practice in Louisville, Colorado.
Especially during the holidays, it’s helpful to have a good perspective and take things in stride. Here, Lama Surya Das shares some of his favorite remindfulness practices for keeping the big picture in focus:
My own practice for not sweating the small stuff entails utilizing a few homemade quotes and potent slogans that speak to me. I keep yellow sticky notes and index cards on my desk, bathroom mirror, dashboard, wallet, and computer. I practice what I call remindfulness by remembering to look at these handwritten adages; they help me recall what is important in the bigger picture and in the long run — my values, principles, vows, practices, and goals. I let the wisdom of these maxims sink in, inevitably defusing the situation before it gets anywhere near out of hand.
Among these potent pointers, here are my favorite:
“This too shall pass.”
This slogan reminds me to practice patience, acceptance, and forbearance in the face of irritation and disappointment. I also remember to stay in touch with the long view, because things are cyclic and nothing happens without causes, even if not immediately apparent to me.
“How much will this matter to me a year or two from now?”
I also like to echo the Diamond Sutra, the world’s oldest printed book, which quotes Buddha saying: “See things as like a dream, a fantasy, a mirage.”
I usually add the word sitcom or movie, just for fun. This traditional Dharma teaching helps me remember to regard everything as like rainbows or the divine dance of illusion. It helps me take things a lot less seriously and leave room for my inner child and little Buddha within to stand up, play, dance, and sing.
Probably the most effective, practical yoga and meditation-related maxim is this:
“Breathe, relax, center, and smile. Nothing is as important as it seems at this moment.”
That really cools my jets, and allows for more intelligent decision-making and clear-headed thinking to proceed.
I’ve gotten my friend Amelia into the habit of singing (often in her head) the great nursery-rhyme mantra guaranteed to defuse any difficult situation:
“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.”
If I have a good amount of time and feel inspired to co-meditate with the Masters for further spiritual relief and sustenance — perhaps when I’m sitting in a waiting room at the airport or somewhere — I either close my eyes and chant Tibetan mantras and prayers to myself, so only my collar can hear it (as Dudjom Rinpoche once advised), or I recite Buddha’s Metta Sutra (Maitri or Loving- Kindness Sermon) which includes the line:
“May all beings be happy and at ease!”
Or I might take St. Francis of Assisi’s Peace Prayer out of my wallet and read:
“Make me an instrument of your peace . . .”
I invite you to try my small-stuff slogans out, one at a time, and see how they work for you. Or find other one-liners and make up your own.
Lama Surya Das is one of the most learned and highly trained American-born lamas in the Tibetan Dzogchen tradition. He is the founder of the Dzogchen Center in Cambridge, Massachusetts and Austin, Texas, and the author of many books, including Awakening the Buddha Within. For more, visit surya.org.
Tami Simon speaks with Ken Wilber, in the second of a two-part series. Ken is one of the most influential and widely read American philosophers of our time. He is the founder of the Integral Institute and has published more than 25 books, including A Brief History of Everything and The Simple Feeling of Being, as well as the Sounds True audio learning programs Kosmic Consciousness and The One Two Three of God. Ken discusses “shadow work,” the importance of meditation, and other practices that help us on a path of genuine transformation. (48 minutes)
Tami Simon speaks with Robert Peng, an internationally renowned qigong master capable of generating healing energy through his hands with power equal to a potent electrical charge. Robert has helped countless people regain their optimum health and vitality and will be a featured teacher at Sounds True’s annual Wake Up Festival this August. He is the author of four upcoming Sounds True releases, including The Qigong Master Video Series and the book The Master Key. In this interview, Tami and Robert speak about qigong healing, “breathing like an immortal,” and Robert’s early experiences with his legendary qigong master Xiao Yao. Robert also offers a short practice for nourishing qi. (64 minutes)
See Robert Peng live in August 2013. Visit WakeUpFestival.com for more information.
In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with Dr. Dawson Church about Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) and the technique known as “tapping”—and its amazing efficacy in trauma healing and post-traumatic growth. Tune in to this hope-giving, possibility-expanding conversation that explores bringing energy therapies into mainstream primary care, the proven effects of tapping acupuncture meridians to calm limbic activity, the history of tapping and the steps involved in practice, the importance of self-acceptance, avoiding retraumatization through memory reconsolidation and emotional extinction, the impacts that tapping has on our brain waves and sleep patterns, resilience and post-traumatic growth, meditation practice and the experience of “bliss brain,” the power of compassion, and much more.
