Megan Devine

Megan Devine, LPC, is an author, speaker, and grief consultant, advocating for emotional change on a cultural level. Since the loss of her partner in 2009, Megan has become the leading voice in the world of grief support. Her video “How Do You Help a Grieving Friend?” has over 24 million views. Her book It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand is considered required reading by grievers and professionals alike. For more, visit refugeingrief.com.

Author photo © Anna Caitlin Photography

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Megan Devine: Acknowledging Our Grief and Carrying Wha...

When we suffer a serious loss, we come face-to-face with the fragile nature of this world. Yet in today’s culture, we often try to avoid or deny the deep emotions associated with losing the people and things we love. In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with therapist and grief consultant Megan Devine about her uniquely helpful books with Sounds True, It’s OK That You’re Not OK and How to Carry What Can’t Be Fixed

Tune in for a much-needed conversation on the best ways to tend one another’s pain during periods of loss, as Tami and Megan discuss: the cover-up narrative that “bad things help us grow”; the roots of today’s grief phobia; pain vs suffering; grief without a story; the healing power of acknowledgment; tolerating feelings of helplessness; the impulse to fix things; the weaponization of acceptance; time and the notion of complicated grief; the dangers of pathologizing grief; the lost opportunity to reframe grief during the pandemic; naming the awkward instead of silencing yourself; offering concrete assistance rather than an open offer to help; three kinds of hope: transactional, functional, and inhabitable; speaking our truth and allowing others the same; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

Tips for the Rally Team: How to Support Someone in The...

Header Image Tips for the Rally Team: Supporting Someone in Their Grief Sounds True Blog

Tip #1: Claiming your discomfort allows you to show up and be present. From the griever’s perspective, it’s a huge relief to be around those who are willing to be uncomfortable and show up anyway.

If you aren’t sure you should say something—ask. Err on the side of being present. Your effort really is noticed and appreciated.

Tip #2: Don’t be a cheerleader. When things are dark, it’s OK to be dark. Not every corner needs the bright light of encouragement. In a similar vein, don’t encourage someone to have gratitude for the good things that still exist. Good things and horrible things occupy the same space; they don’t cancel each other out.

Do mirror their reality back to them. When they say, “This entirely sucks,” say, “Yes, it does.” It’s amazing how much that helps.

Tip #3: Don’t talk about “later.” When someone you love is in pain, it’s tempting to talk about how great things are going to be for them in the future. Right now, that future is irrelevant. Stay in the present moment, or if the person is talking about the past, join them there. Allow them to choose.

Tip #4: In all things, not just in grief, it’s important to get consent before giving advice or offering strategies. Ask the person whom you’re supporting, “Are you wanting empathy or a strategy right now?” Respect their answer.

Tip #5: Lean in and hang back. Respond to your friend, be curious and responsive to their needs. At the same time, don’t ask the grieving person to do more work. Observe how things are landing for them, but in those early days, please don’t expect—or demand—that they show up with their normal emotional-relational skills. They do not have them. Asking the grieving person to educate you on how best to help is simply not something they can do.

Excerpted from It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine.

 

Megan Devine Tips for the Rally Team: Supporting Someone in Their Grief Sounds True Blog

Megan Devine is a writer, speaker, and advocate for emotional change on a cultural level. She holds a master’s in counseling psychology. Since the tragic loss of her partner in 2009, Megan has emerged as a bold new voice in the world of grief support. Her contributions via her site Refuge in Grief have helped create sanctuary for those in pain and encouragement for those who want to help. For more, visit refugeingrief.com.

 

 

 

 

It's Ok That You're Not Ok - Tips for the Rally Team: Supporting Someone in Their Grief Sounds True Blog

 

Buy your copy of It’s OK That You’re Not OK at your favorite bookseller!

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Pinterest Tips for the Rally Team (3)

Holiday Help for Those in Grief

There is no doubt that the holiday season adds an extra measure of pain to people already bearing more than they can, more than they should ever have to. Death, illness, massive life events — they all sour the season in ways those outside your loss can’t understand.

Whether you’ve always loved the holidays or avoided them as best you could, the first several seasons after a death or massive life event are always difficult. So many people want to make this a “good” holiday for you, but first and foremost, you need to understand what is best for yourself during this rough time. Understand how to find a comforting place through all the chaos:

 

Say no a lot. Really. Other people will tell you you should say yes to things, get out more, be social. But if “being social” gives you the hives, why on earth would you do that? Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You can say “no, thank you” if you must say more.

Choose your gatherings. If you do choose to attend something holiday-ish, choose wisely. Sometimes a big crowd is easier than a small one because you can slip out un-noticed as you need to. While a small gathering might have been most comfortable in your life instead.

Find ways to be alone-together with others. Musical offerings, candlelight meditations or services — check those little local newspapers and see what’s going on in your community.

Volunteer. If you are feeling stressed by family obligations, choose this as a good opportunity to get some space and serve others who may need some lifting up too.

Have a plan. Before you go to a party or an event, be sure to make your exit plan clear — with yourself. Give yourself an out, whether that is a specific time limit or an emotional cue that lets you know it’s time to go.

Check in with yourself. This is true not just for events and gatherings but for every single moment of life. Take just a minute to take a breath, one good inhale and exhale, and ask yourself how you’re doing. Ask yourself what you need in that moment.

Leave whenever you want. Stop whatever you’re doing whenever you want. Please remember that this is your life. You do not have to do anything that feels bad or wrong or horrifying. Even if you agreed to participate in something, you can change your mind at any time.

 

The holidays are going to hurt, my friend. That is just reality. Whether you are missing someone who should be part of the festivities or someone who shared your love of quiet winter evenings over raucous partying, this season will add some to your grief.

Companion yourself. Care for yourself. Listen. Reach out where it feels good to reach, curl in when that is what you need. Make this season as much of a comfort to you as you can. And when it is not a comfort, know we’re here. All of us who are grieving over someone we lost: We get you. We understand.

 

Looking for more great reads?

 

 

Excerpted from It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine.

Megan Devine holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology. Through her many articles and speaking engagements, she has emerged as a bold new voice in the world of grief therapy. She recently released her first book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. She lives in Portland, Oregon.

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Take Your Inner Child on Playdates

Have you ever been ice-skating before? It sounds like a fun winter activity (especially if you enjoy the cold, like I do), but it can be frustrating and even downright scary if you’re new to it.

Picture this: I took my nephew ice-skating for the first time, full of excitement to see him experience some joy. At twelve years of age, he was already taller than me and had size thirteen feet thanks to his six-foot-eight-inch-tall dad (my brother). The biggest rental skates they had came with worn-out laces rather than the secure plastic bindings all of the other skates had. I could see that they were a little loose around the ankle, but we tied them as best we could and hit the ice.

If you’ve ever seen a newborn deer figuring out how to walk for the first time, you can picture my nephew’s first time on ice skates. His ankles kept knocking in, and he was reaching to hold onto anything for dear life as he wobbled around the perimeter of the rink. It was difficult to watch, not because it was embarrassing, but because I know how hard he is on himself when he’s not immediately good at new things. I wanted to see him having fun, and instead I saw him frustrated and discouraged as all he could do was attempt to remain vertical.

I figured it couldn’t get worse, so I suggested that we trade in his skates for a smaller pair with the more secure plastic buckles to see if that made any difference. He went along with it, probably just to humor me, and we stuffed his feet into some size twelves and made sure his ankle support was good as could be. When I tell you it was a night and day difference, I’m not exaggerating. Suddenly he was speeding around the ice like a pro, lapping past me and his sisters with the biggest smile on his face. He circled the rink over and over again; as his confidence grew, so did his joy, and he even began to try tricks and spins. All he had needed was one little adjustment to his foundation, and he suddenly felt safe enough to have fun.

Here’s the thing: most of us go around in our lives on rickety old skates with worn-out laces. When your only focus is doing your best to remain upright, there’s not much room for joy or play. The big shame in that is that play often is the medicine we most need.

In my experience, the crux of inner child work is reconnecting to the part of you who knows how to play. Sometimes you may first need to make some adjustments that allow you to feel safe enough to play, like practicing nervous system regulation and self-soothing. Once you’ve done that, though, your goal is to invite in as much play as possible. And not adult versions of play that are really just a facade for dissociative behaviors, but real, childlike wonder.

Invite in curiosity and awe and silliness and uninhibited joy. Start by returning to the things you loved to do when you were a kid. Maybe that means setting aside time each weekend for arts and crafts. Maybe it means participating in physical activities that feel like play, such as dancing, swimming, sports, or jumping on a trampoline. Maybe it just means giving yourself permission to skip while you walk or sing while you drive.

The point is, when you bring those younger versions of you into your present-day life, you not only have more fun, but you also experience more healing. We were never meant to lose touch with our inner child. Yes, it’s important to learn how to be self-sufficient and responsible, and aging is inevitable. But it’s equally important not to take yourself too seriously along the way.

Try This

Your homework is to set regular playdates with your inner child. Do things that sound like fun, even if they don’t make logical sense. Allow yourself to be as carefree and openhearted as possible, without judging the things that bring you joy. The sillier it feels, the more on point you likely are. Here are some examples to consider:

  • Take an afternoon off of work and go to an amusement park.
  • Schedule an evening of watching your favorite childhood movies.
  • Spend the weekend out in nature, frolicking with your imagination.
  • Try something brand new, like rock climbing or ice-skating, to tap into that feeling of beginner’s mind.

Play is an important part of our overall well-being. Consistently making time to get into that creative flow state will help you deepen your relationship with your inner child . . . and your adult self. I suggest checking in at least once per month, if not weekly, to see where you can fit more play into your life.

Excerpted from Choose Your Self: How to Embrace Being Single, Heal Core Wounds, and Build a Life You Love.

Megan Sherer


Megan Sherer is a certified somatic therapist and licensed hypnotherapist whose mission is to help others build healthy and fulfilling relationships, starting with self. She hosts the Well, Then podcast and founded the women’s therapy app The Self Care Space. For more, visit megansherer.com.

Choose Your Self

Learn More
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Helping Kids Feel Confident in the Spotlight

Dear Sounds True friends,

Have you ever been in the spotlight?
The excitement, the lights, and…
…ALL EYES ON YOU (Gulp!)

While some athletes, speakers, and performers bask in the glow, it can be scary for most others. I happen to be one of these “others,” complete with sweaty palms, a racing heart, and a blank mind!

These big feelings inspired me to write All Eyes on You, a story that helps kids overcome performance anxiety when they find themselves the center of attention, such as on stage, in a classroom, or on the baseball field.

I share tried-and-true tips for dealing with these moments (such as breathing exercises and counting to slow down your racing heart) while also having fun (like picturing the audience in their underwear) to help boost confidence and be present in the moment.

It also makes an excellent tool for helping others calm the butterfly stampede in their stomachs and feel a sense of camaraderie that they are not alone in their stage fright.

So when the stage calls (or the front of the classroom or home plate), take a deep breath and give these tips a try. You just might surprise yourself—and those around you!

Break a leg,

Susi Schaefer
Author & Illustrator

P.S. I invite you to download free coloring sheets from the book to also enjoy with the little ones in your life!

Susi Schaefer

Susi Schaefer trained as a classical glass painter in Austria before moving to the United States and studying graphic design. She is the illustrator of Zoo Zen and Good Morning, I Love You, Violet! as well as the author-illustrator of other picture books for children. For more, visit susischaefer.com.

A Message of Gratitude

Dear Sounds True friend,

At this time of thanks-giving, I want to thank you, a beloved member of our extended Sounds True community of listeners, readers, authors, and learners worldwide.

Thank you for your interest and willingness to be an explorer of your inner world.

Thank you for your perseverance, your willingness to be here, with all of life’s great joys and terrible griefs and sorrows. Thank you for being ”on the journey,” with all of the ways life breaks open our hearts and asks us to expand and hold a larger space of love.

Thank you for your courage to be you, beloved and singular, the you that carries a unique gift, some special look, a cry and a laugh never heard before, a contribution we need. Thank you for being yourself and extending yourself to others, even in small ways, which often turn out to be huge.

My own prayer this Thanksgiving is to remain steadfast and true. Please know that here at Sounds True we remain so—and we love doing so in connection with you. We are here because you are here. This thanks-giving, I bow to the strength and goodness of our human hearts.

With you on the journey,

Tami

P.S. Here is a thanks-giving offering, a classic poem from Mary Oliver:

Praying

It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be 
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few 
small stones; just 
pay attention, then patch

a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t 
a contest but the doorway

into thanks, and a silence, in which 
another voice may speak.

Mary Oliver, Thirst

Tami Simon

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