Category: Spirituality

The Power in Writing Your Obituary

 

While many of us spend December celebrating the holidays, this is also the perfect time for reflection—and for death and rebirth. Writing as a path to awakening is an invitation and celebration—it’s your ticket back to your creative brilliance.

 

Life is short. Time is fleeting and invented—it’s only really ever now. Love is showing up fully with presence—open-hearted, raw, and vulnerable to the world; it’s the only thing that matters. And it’s with this that I invite you to write your own obituary.

 

Reflecting on our own mortality is an opportunity to assess what is truly important in our lives. To reflect on our own mortality is to enter into the community of humanity via the ultimate vulnerability around ceasing to exist. When we approach this with an open heart of curiosity, we have a chance at greater compassion, patience, and understanding with the realization that we are all in this together.

 

Every one of us goes through this fact of our temporary nature in physical form; there is no getting out of this world alive. And here we have a choice—we can put off that reality, ignore it, get completely freaked out about it, or we can face that fact with courage and curiosity.

 

It’s so easy to get caught up in the mundane details and challenges of daily life to the extent that we can forget what we are really living for—what our core purpose in this lifetime truly is! The results of such an investigation are a more awakened sense of self, a deepening compassion for yourself and others—not only those intimate in your life—but for humanity as a whole.

 

Begin by writing it as a list or try writing it as a poem. Tune into any fears or resistances that arise. You could try modeling your piece on a traditional obituary you might read in your favorite newspaper or online magazine. Freewrite into these questions and see what arises.

 

  1. How do you want to be remembered?
  2. What are the true highlights of your life?
  3. Who were the people who most inspired or influenced you?
  4. What did you learn being embodied in this life that you want to share with others?
  5. What held the most meaning for you in your days on this earth?

 

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Adapted excerpt from Writing As a Path to Awakening by Albert Flynn DeSilver.

A highly regarded and sought-after speaker and workshop leader, Albert Flynn DeSilver has taught and presented with several luminaries, including Elizabeth Gilbert, Cheryl Strayed, Maxine Hong Kingston, Michael McClure, and U.S. Poet Laureate Kay Ryan among many others. In addition, Albert is an internationally published poet, memoirist, and novelist. His writing has appeared in over 100 literary journals worldwide. He has published several books of poetry and the memoir, Beamish Boy. Albert teaches at the Omega Institute, Esalen, Spirit Rock, and writing conferences nationally. He lives in Northern California.

 

Holiday Help for Those in Grief

There is no doubt that the holiday season adds an extra measure of pain to people already bearing more than they can, more than they should ever have to. Death, illness, massive life events — they all sour the season in ways those outside your loss can’t understand.

Whether you’ve always loved the holidays or avoided them as best you could, the first several seasons after a death or massive life event are always difficult. So many people want to make this a “good” holiday for you, but first and foremost, you need to understand what is best for yourself during this rough time. Understand how to find a comforting place through all the chaos:

 

Say no a lot. Really. Other people will tell you you should say yes to things, get out more, be social. But if “being social” gives you the hives, why on earth would you do that? Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You can say “no, thank you” if you must say more.

Choose your gatherings. If you do choose to attend something holiday-ish, choose wisely. Sometimes a big crowd is easier than a small one because you can slip out un-noticed as you need to. While a small gathering might have been most comfortable in your life instead.

Find ways to be alone-together with others. Musical offerings, candlelight meditations or services — check those little local newspapers and see what’s going on in your community.

Volunteer. If you are feeling stressed by family obligations, choose this as a good opportunity to get some space and serve others who may need some lifting up too.

Have a plan. Before you go to a party or an event, be sure to make your exit plan clear — with yourself. Give yourself an out, whether that is a specific time limit or an emotional cue that lets you know it’s time to go.

Check in with yourself. This is true not just for events and gatherings but for every single moment of life. Take just a minute to take a breath, one good inhale and exhale, and ask yourself how you’re doing. Ask yourself what you need in that moment.

Leave whenever you want. Stop whatever you’re doing whenever you want. Please remember that this is your life. You do not have to do anything that feels bad or wrong or horrifying. Even if you agreed to participate in something, you can change your mind at any time.

 

The holidays are going to hurt, my friend. That is just reality. Whether you are missing someone who should be part of the festivities or someone who shared your love of quiet winter evenings over raucous partying, this season will add some to your grief.

Companion yourself. Care for yourself. Listen. Reach out where it feels good to reach, curl in when that is what you need. Make this season as much of a comfort to you as you can. And when it is not a comfort, know we’re here. All of us who are grieving over someone we lost: We get you. We understand.

 

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Excerpted from It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand by Megan Devine.

Megan Devine holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology. Through her many articles and speaking engagements, she has emerged as a bold new voice in the world of grief therapy. She recently released her first book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. She lives in Portland, Oregon.

Don’t Let Integrity Snatchers Steal Your Joy

Because your internal meaning-making machine, colors your perception of your life and your very self, and can dictate your actions, non-action, and choices, you probably live with some constant companions. I call them Integrity Snatchers. Integrity Snatchers diminish your sense of self, and erodes your self-trust. They are not “bad” or “wrong.” They are not something to be gotten rid of since they are part of our humanity, and if you are human you won’t be able to get rid of them. But the important thing is to become aware of them. To understand that when left unattended, Integrity Snatchers will keep you from making the highest choices for yourself and going for the life of your dreams.

When you become aware of your Integrity Snatchers, you can remove them from their seat of power.

 

Integrity Snatcher #1: Shame

As humans, we are desperately afraid that the negative labels we have given ourselves are true. And thus, shame arises. We are paralyzed by the shame of believing that we are not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, or pretty enough. Our shame, which is generally birthed from some childhood event, teaches us to hide who we truly are because we fear that who we are is fundamentally flawed. Our shame leads us to believe that people won’t like us if they know who we truly are at our core. Our shame is what creates our external persona and robs us of authenticity.

Integrity Snatcher #2: Shadow

Our shame gives birth to our shadow. Our shadow is comprised of the parts of ourselves that we have so much shame around, that we disown. We judge ourselves so relentlessly, that we cannot fathom the possibility that our shadow aspects or unwanted characteristics live inside of us. How could I be weak, a doormat like my mother? A cheater or liar like my ex? Or mean and abusive like my father? Because our shadows are so distasteful or symbolize someone who hurt us deeply, we disown and detach from them. We vow to ourselves that we are not and never will be that! Our need to bury these parts of ourselves, and deny their existence, automatically wreaks havoc on our integrity. We cannot be whole and complete if we have lost access to the full spectrum of our traits and emotions. We cannot live in our truth if we are hiding the existence of all these parts of ourselves from ourselves and others.

Integrity Snatcher #3: Fear

Our shame, our belief that, “I am that…” gives birth to our shadow, our belief that “I don’t want to be that….” which gives birth to Integrity Snatcher #3— living in a constant state of fear.  We are afraid at every moment of our lives that someone might discover our faults and unworthiness! This coupled with that negative meaning loop that keeps playing in our minds paralyzes us. We view life through a lens of fear. Our fear permeates every area of our being. We have fears about ourselves: I’m not good enough, pretty enough, competent enough. We have fears about life: Life is unfair. Life is about struggle. We have fears about others: People will disappoint me. I can’t trust anyone. Everyone leaves. We have fears even about the “good stuff:” Love hurts. There is no such thing as happiness. Nothing lasts forever.

Integrity Snatcher #4: Your Story

Each of us has a story. We actually have many stories. They consist of all the thoughts, beliefs, internal dialogues, or fears that we have around any subject. For example, our story-lines can range from anything like I will never get what I want to what your fate will be based on your gender, color of your skin, level of education, or even your weight. Our stories stem from all the meaning-making that we set into motion as a child. We can also adopt the stories of the communities we grew up in or the people closest to us. Many of us take on the stories of our parents. They can become the narrative of the family that gets passed down from generation to generation, anchoring the family in a legacy of lack. Although these stories are not necessarily bad or good, they can be limiting.

Integrity Snatcher #5: Playing the Role of the Victim

Like Susan, when we are stuck in our stories we are generally cast in the role of the victim. But when we vow to live a life of integrity we commit to live a life of radical responsibility. We acknowledge that our life is in our hands. It is a demarcation point—a gift we give to ourselves. It means we take our power back. It means being responsible for our thoughts, beliefs, choices, behaviors, and for our deepest dreams and grandest desires. There is no sustained room for, “Oh, woe is me! Poor me! Forget about me! or You did this to me!”

Integrity Snatcher #6: Wanting

Wanting is the Integrity Snatcher I’m most vigilant about because any time I am in a place of wanting, I can slip and slide right out of my integrity. Especially when I think about the men in my life…wanting for him to be the one, wanting to make the relationship work, wanting to hold on and not let go, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings…I can’t tell you how many times I stepped over my truth and out of my integrity in order to fuel the fantasy and turn the wanting into my reality.

Wanting comes from fear or lack. Whether we are conscious of it or not, we think we are missing something, so we yearn for the outside world to fill us up. It is our fear and our wounded and diminished sense of self, telling us that we don’t have something, and we need to get it. That need turns to desperation and the cliché is true—desperate people do desperate things. They ignore their truth, as well as all the warning signs. They buy into their own BS, and put themselves into scenarios that they often know won’t end well, but they can’t help themselves…they wanted it so badly.

Integrity Snatcher #7: People Who Empower Your Helplessness

Although integrity is an inside job, and not something others can give to or take away from us, we all are human. At some point we might want someone to take care of us, to assist us, to save us, or to handle a part of our life that we don’t feel confident in or enjoy. So, Integrity Snatcher #7 is like a warning sign—watch out for the people who empower your helplessness.

 

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Excerpted from The Integrity Advantage by Kelley Kosow.

Kelley Kosow is a Master Integrative Coach, program and workshop leader, and CEO of The Ford Institute, a personal development organization that has helped tens of thousands worldwide. For more, visit kelleykosow.com.

 

 

How to Host a Holiday Party and Actually Enjoy Yoursel...

Hey, far be it from me to offer instructions on how to host a stress-free holiday party, since I can’t remember the last time I even hosted a holiday party, let alone stress-free.  Still, as someone who has spent decades in the kitchen, what I do know is that people spend way too much time and effort trying to follow recipes rather than enjoying themselves and making food for one another. So if I was to host a gathering this season, here’s what I would aim to keep in mind.

First things first, lower your standards enough to have a good time. The best story about this is one that Robert Bly tells at his readings about his friend William Stafford, who was confirming to an interviewer that he had a practice of writing a poem each day.  “How,” the interviewer wondered, “can you do that day in and day out?  How can you be that creative?”  To which Stafford replied, “I lower my standards.”

This is a brilliant piece of advice that requires a sleight of hand: Lowering your standards for making sure that others think highly of you. To engage in trying to control what others think of you is stressful, exactly because it is impossible. To lower your standards, you let them think whatever they do. And they will!  At least it’s not going out on Yelp!  (unless it is..)

So instead of trying to be impressively masterful, you could aim to enjoy yourself alongside your family and friends. Enjoyment in this case is a choice to rest easy doing what you are capable of doing, and letting go of the rest. And tuning into warmth, gratitude, and well-being.

Sure, make some plans, consult some culinary bibles or online cooking sites, but leave room for your plans to change as the holly hour approaches. If things are getting stressful, reassess what to do and what not to do. Decide to do less! Perhaps if people are not too busy with being impressed with the spread, they will have more energy for happily engaging with one another.

Be entirely willing to ask for help. When I’ve wanted to appear masterful, I have hesitated to do this, as then others might see me as being needy and helpless, and my project to appear capable and competent would be a disaster. Then nobody helps. But they do tell you to calm down, which doesn’t help.

So ask for help, whether it’s for food dishes from others, drinks to bring, people to serve, help with cleaning up. Inspiration, assistance, guidance, support—the more you ask for it, the more it appears.

Again, it’s not up to you to make sure that everyone has a good time. That’s their job. After all most of them are probably adults now, and they may choose to enjoy themselves. It’s your job to offer what you have to offer, sincerely and wholeheartedly. Letting go of the results.

And when you let go of assessing the results, you may be pleasantly surprised that you are smiling.  You discover what’s in front of you can be sweetly beyond compare.

Happy hosting!

 

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Edward Espe Brown was the first head cook at Tassajara Zen Mountain Center and later helped found Greens Restaurant in San Francisco. He is the author of several bestselling cookbooks, including The Tassajara Bread Book (Shambhala, 1970) and the subject of the 2007 film How to Cook Your Life. His newest book, No Recipe, is being published by Sounds True and will be on sale on May 1, 2018.

5 Pachydermal Tips to Bring Peace to the Holiday Seaso...

Though it may seem unlikely that an elephant could know anything about navigating the wild and woolly holiday season that is now upon us – you might be surprised. These thoughtful beasties have much soft, gray, and wrinkly wisdom to share with humans. Alice the Elephant, an elephant in spirit form, is a wonderful companion of mine and she has generously agreed to share 5 aligning tips to help you have the most meaningful experience possible this holiday season.

 

  1. Grace is an attitude. Have you ever seen elephants swimming under water? We are capable of balletic flow and majesty! It’s as if we have no idea that we weigh as much as a car! We embody buoyancy. So, remember, when you are trying desperately to find a gluten-free, vegan, fair trade, sustain-ably harvested, dairy-free entree on Pinterest to serve at Thanksgiving and despite how heavy that might seem — you can choose to float. Breathe and even try a pirouette.

 

  1. Rely on your posse. We elephants lean heavily on one another for emotional support and make it a point to linger together at our favorite watering holes. It keeps us strong. The holidays are no time to skimp on time with friends. I lovingly insist that you double down on phone calls, caring texts, walking/coffee dates, and nights out with your girls/boys. You’ll be having such a good time you won’t even worry about the fact that your holiday cards never even got ordered in the first place.

 

  1. Show your heart. When we elephants feel something, we aren’t afraid to express it. We cry. We reach out and touch each other with our trunks to trace the beautiful curves of our friend’s cheeks. I implore you this holiday season to say what you need to say and – a good place to start is “I’m sorry” or “I love you,” or, “I appreciate you.” These simple gifts trump any kind of shark attack survival kit or three-piece, minty melon bath set from T.J. Maxx.

 

  1. Clear a path for yourself. We elephants aren’t afraid to do what it takes to get what we need. If the last juicy marula fruit is dangling from a tree’s tip top branch, just out of reach, we will wrap our trunk around the tree and pull it out from the ground to get that fruit. What is standing between you and your marula fruit (a.k.a your peaceful holiday season)? Too many commitments? Too many gifts to shop for? A holiday letter you have dreaded writing for twenty years? It’s time to pull out (by the roots) what stands between you and that juicy fruit! Jettison the letter. Go gift-free for a year or agree to exchange books for that matter. And, for elephant’s sake, say no to the office party that gives you hives!

 

  1. Never forget. Above all: Commit to believing that you deserve to experience all of the love and connection your heart desires. No earning or repenting or serving time is required. Elephants never forget this.

 

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Excerpted from The Book of Beasties by Sarah Bamford Seidelmann.

Sarah Bamford Seidelmann was a physician living a nature-starved, hectic lifestyle until a walrus entered her life and changed everything. She has trained at the Martha Beck Institute and Michael Harner’s Foundation for Shamanic Studies, and is author of Swimming with Elephants (Conari Press, 2017) and the forthcoming Book of Beasties (Sounds True, 2018). She lives in northern Minnesota.

Recognizing Your Blind Spots

Blind spots, by nature, aren’t seen by you, and cause you to behave unconsciously in ways that have impact on yourself, others, and the world around you. Blind spots are not areas you are familiar with that you are ‘working on’ – qualities you are developing – for example, trying to be more patient with your kids or more loving with your partner. Those qualities may be related to blind spots, but that is not what I’m addressing here. Blind spots are literally what you DON’T see about yourself.

Have you ever had trouble taking in some piece of information – in a talk or a book you’re reading, or sitting on your therapist’s couch? Usually it’s a seemingly innocuous and simple piece of information, but you just can’t get it, or hear it. It’s like you’re going fuzzy. That is a good indication of a blind spot trying to come into the light.

Or perhaps even worse, you keep getting the same feedback from your partner, your coworkers, and even the generalized world around you keeps holding up the same mirror. But it doesn’t quite make sense. You actually can’t really hear or see it. Or even if it makes sense intellectually, it just doesn’t seem necessarily relevant or important enough to demand your attention. Even though you’re hearing the information with your two ears, it flies right past you in terms of actually sticking in your brain, your being, your heart. It actually does not compute. Another signal that it may be a blind spot!

What we tend to end up with as we become adults is an imbalanced view of ourselves that plays handily into the creation and maintenance of our blind spots. What if you saw this mechanism at play, and then saw the pain and suffering you add on top of it? We usually do this in two ways: by personalizing it all and making ourselves either too big for our britches or conversely, unworthy of love and care. This is what I mean by an ‘imbalanced’ self view: too big or too small, over-amazing or under-good-enough. What if you had the courage and humility it would take to admit and embrace your actual place in the world? Even if that means it’s an amazing place in the world? It doesn’t have to be small and hidden just because we are humble and aware. But we are at home.

This is what I mean by learning how to live an undefended life. We aren’t propping up a flimsy ideal of who we think we should or shouldn’t be, or who we think others want us to be. We just are who we are, at home in our own skin, blemishes and all. And we inhabit ourselves so much so that our gifts fall out of us necessarily, rightfully, and with ease.

What if being yourself isn’t essentially about finding your voice, your true calling, your best self, your most significant offering to the world, but instead is about learning to become at home in the world – your world? Learning to become a simple, content, good human being. With no promises on the outcome. Just for the sake of it.

 

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Excerpted from The Blind Spot Effect by Kelly Boys.

Kelly Boys directed the launch of Google’s “Search Inside Yourself” leadership training program for neuroscience-based emotional intelligence and mindfulness. She’s taught war veterans, women in prison, cancer survivors, those with substance abuse addictions, humanitarian workers, and psychotherapists. She lives in Boulder, Colorado. More at kellyboys.org.

 

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