How Self-Compassionate Are You?
Do you have a critical voice? What do you find it saying to you?
This video is a candid, vulnerable and compelling portrait from our own folks here at Sounds True. We get their take on their own journey with self-compassion. Discover the power of self-compassion and learn simple practices to transform your moments of moments of suffering into moments of love.
4 Tips to Make Your Holiday Parties Better for Non-Drinkers and Drinkers Alike
It’s okay not to drink. In fact, it’s normal, a fact that many people tend to forget, especially around the holidays.
My husband, Pat, quit drinking thirty-three years ago, and he is not at all shy about telling people he’s in long-term recovery. Yet even close friends and relatives who know his story still try to foist alcohol on him.
At holiday parties, people insist him to try “at least a sip” because they brought the alcohol as a gift, or express incredulity at Pat’s description of himself as an alcoholic. “I never saw you drunk or out of control,” one woman once said, “so how could you be an alcoholic?”
Even at a New Year’s Eve party, another friend offered Pat a glass of champagne. When he replied, simply, “No, thanks,” this friend took the opportunity to extol the virtues of moderation.
Moderation may work for some but it does not work for Pat and an estimated 23 million people in this country who are in recovery from alcohol or other drug addiction — including our son Ben, who recently celebrated his tenth year of recovery. Alcohol works its poison slowly, but poison it is, in large and small amounts for those who are susceptible to its addictive effects – and for untold others who get caught up in the party spirit and overly imbibe.
During this holiday season when alcohol flows so freely at intimate family gatherings, holiday parties, and New Year’s Eve celebrations, here’s a short list of suggestions for hosts that will make life easier for non-drinkers and drinkers alike:
- Respect “no” as an answer
When someone says, “No thank you” to an offer of beer, wine, or spirits, don’t push, nudge, cajole, or question. Take no for an answer, point to the table containing the different beverages (be sure the non-alcoholic selections get equal space) and say, “We have a variety of non-alcoholic and alcoholic drinks, what can I get one for you?”
- Get creative with these non-alcoholic beverage ideas
- Cranberry or pomegranate juice with sparkling water (Perrier or sugar- and calorie-free waters such as Refreshe or La Croix )
- Fruit or vegetable-infused water (watermelon, strawberries, cucumbers, mint, lemons, limes, the list goes on and on) are super hydrating and pretty to look at, too.
- It’s always a good idea to offer several different sodas (ginger ale, colas, root beer, 7-up, sugar free-sodas) or flavored sparkling waters.
- Forget punches or pitchers of beverages (eggnog for example) that are laced with alcohol; they’re too easy to mistake as non-alcoholic.
- Garnishes such as lemons, limes, and mint are fun additions to non-alcoholic as well as alcoholic beverages. Put them in little bowls on the beverage tables.
- Keep nutritious snacks stocked to curb cravings
Nutritious, high protein snacks help control blood sugar, which can drop around party time (typically late afternoon) and trigger cravings. You don’t have to get fancy–try crackers and cheese; nuts or seeds (cashews, walnuts, almonds, peanuts, sunflower or pumpkin seeds); bruschetta with tomato and basil; or antipasto plates.
- Set out a board game or puzzle on a coffee or dining room table
We always have a jigsaw puzzle going and people love to gather around and concentrate on something other than drinking and small talk (of course, drinkers are also welcome).
Remember: It’s okay not to drink. In fact, it’s “normal.” And for many millions of people, not drinking is in fact life-saving. I encourage you to try some of these tips this holiday season and throughout the year at any and every social gathering.
Looking for more great reads?
Excerpted from The Only LIfe I Could Save, by Katherine Ketcham
Katherine Ketcham has been writing nonfiction books for over 30 years and has coauthored 16 books—10 of which are on the subject of addiction and recovery. Her books have been published in 16 languages. Ketcham has led treatment and recovery efforts at the Walla Walla Juvenile Justice Center, and in 2002 she founded Trilogy Recovery Community. She lives in Washington State. Her newest book, The Only Life I Could Save, is being published by Sounds True and will be on available on April 1, 2018.
Going Deep into Silence
Over the last three years, I have immersed myself in the teachings of Adyashanti. I recorded and edited his most recent audio program and book, Resurrecting Jesus; I’ve attended several weekend intensives in the Boulder area, and I’ve listened to countless satsang recordings and online broadcasts. But until a few weeks ago, I had never attended a silent retreat—with Adya or any other teacher.
Now, I can be a loud guy—just ask my family. If things around me (or inside me) are noisy, I tend to respond with more noise. Still, on retreat, despite my fears, I found it easy to slip into silence. And the more I let go into the daily pattern of silent sitting—six sitting periods of 30 to 40 minutes each, the first at 7:30 in the morning and the last at 9:30 at night—the more I felt the noise inside me abate.
The retreat was held in North Carolina, and most days the skies were solid gray, with a light rain falling. Though the oaks had not yet unfurled their leaves, the redbud tree in the courtyard of the dining hall was in full bloom, and when the rain abated, its branches hummed with fat, fuzzy bees. At each meal, eating in silence, I positioned myself so I could see that redbud tree through the banks of windows.
I loved the morning dharma talks and evening satsangs, when retreat participants could bring their questions to the microphone and dialogue with Adya. I loved to sit in silence, sensing that vast space inside as it slowly emerged into consciousness. (Of course, it had been there all along, but thoroughly hidden by the noise of activity, both inner and outer.) And I loved that tree.
One evening, answering a question, Adya said, “Allow the world to find itself in you.” For some reason I couldn’t quite pinpoint, these words resonated deeply for me. There were times, rising from meditation and walking into the soft light of afternoon, when it did feel that the trees in bloom and the loamy smell of the earth and even the birdsong all arose and subsided within me—which is to say, within that open, aware spaciousness we share. As the days flowed by and the silence inside grew more accessible, I noticed something. From that silence, words began to emerge, images rise slowly to the surface. The world found itself in me, and I found this poem.
The Redbud Tree
The fat bees browse
the spindled branches of the redbud tree,
their humming heavy as fruit.
They dwarf the purple blossoms.
Late afternoon, and when
the clouds part, the light
pours thick as honey over the blossoms,
the bees, the mossy branches.
Everything is heavy
and everything barely here.
Long before my birth, bees swarmed
the flowered tree,
bees already ancient
and born again each spring,
rising among the blooms.
And someone—dust now—stood
where I stand, and stared
at their slow dance
among the delicate
petals the wind scatters.
The invitation of intimacy
If you choose intimate relationship as the crucible for your own awakening and healing, you extend an open invitation to *everything* that is unresolved within you to come to the surface – to show you in excruciating detail those areas of your heart that have been numbed and abandoned, and are now calling for your love, attention, and awareness. There are parts of you that have been crying out for your holding for so many years now; it is your beloved that will reveal these to you.
The beloved, like no other, will take you right into the unknown. She will root out all of your hiding places and reveal your nakedness. She will show you that even those most scary and disturbing parts of yourself are pathways home. This is her gift to you.
It can be helpful to look into each of your relationships to start to see the landscape of the (unconscious) agreements you’ve made with “the other” to avoid the experience of too much exposure, vulnerability, and uncertainty. It is quite natural to unconsciously start to define a “good” relationship or a “great” partner or “my one and only soul mate” as one who doesn’t really question these agreements, and who supports your enacting of the survival mechanisms which arose in your early environment. It doesn’t take much – just a few words or not returning a phone call or a particular glance or some apparent distance or simply seeing how your needs are just not getting met – and you are raw, tender, vulnerable, unprotected, and unsure; the ground has fallen away. The beloved has arrived, bearing gifts from beyond.
The survival-level panic comes rushing in, the anxiety has returned, confusion has filled the space between. Where did the beloved go? Where is the love? Am I safe? I have given so much; will I be met?
This is the opportunity of a lifetime, to metabolize that which the beloved has activated. By entering the unknown with your beloved, by stepping into the groundlessness together, you will meet these orphaned pieces of your own heart. They only want one moment of your holding, your care, and your touch. Be naked, be willing to fall apart, be willing to break open, take the risk that love always demands! Let love take you apart and put you back together again, over and over.
Love is not safe. The beloved’s touch is the end of your world. There is nowhere to hide for you have now come to see that your heart is everywhere! You will always be touched, you will care so deeply, you will remain vulnerable forever to the transformative movement of love. You are left as a transparent vessel through which love can pour out into this universe, reorienting everything it touches; everything that is less-than-whole within is burning away, friends, and the beloved is revealing your translucence.
The miracle of autumn
To walk in the early morning on what appears as another ordinary Sunday, with the summer and the fall still in dialogue about who will take it from here. Looking up into the unfolding sky, it is so clear that I know nothing at all, that I have no idea what the beloved wants of me, until she whispers it through the birds, through the falling leaves, through the orangeness of orange, the yellowness of yellow, and through this body as it feels the shakiness of being wildly alive.
Each arising moment, more revelation as to how little I actually know, other than this erupting now moment and this tender heart, raw and unprotected from love and its sweet and fierce activity. I really hope to make it all the way through this day, and to be in awe at what might be shown tomorrow. But if not, for now I am left only with an unexplainable, erupting gratitude to have been shown even a tiny sliver of love. I have been given so much.
It is early morning in the mountains – and fall is arriving. Something new is asking to be met, to be allowed, to be held in and as luminous awareness. Whatever form arises into translucent consciousness is revealed to be none other than that consciousness itself. It is breathtaking, really, to watch as love emerges as this sensual world, as these feelings, as these colors, all laid out as one harvest feast of grace for lover and beloved and their union.
To be here in this special world is the only miracle. We’ve been given everything we need: a beating heart to feel so much, arms to reach out and hold another close, words to speak kindness, and eyes to gaze sweetly into the depths of our lovers. Behold the grace-harvest that is this life, and the endless bounty of love as it emerges out of the unknown and takes shape as the miracle of autumn.
Breathe and Be
Need more “Breathe and Be” Moments?
Excerpted from Breathe and Be: A Book of Mindfulness Poems. Written by Kate Coombs and illustrated by Anna Emilia Laitinen.
Kate Coombs is the author of numerous books, including picture books, novels, and books of poetry. Her collection of ocean poems, Water Sings Blue, won the Lee Bennett Hopkins Poetry Award for 2012. She’s a former teacher, and has taught both K-12 and college. Her favorite color is the blue-green at the top of an ocean wave, and she goes out of her way to step on dry leaves just to hear them crunch. For more, see katecoombs.com.
Anna Emilia Laitinen studied graphic design and illustration in Finland and Iceland. She has illustrated books, stationary, tableware, and textiles. In 2015, she received the Kaiku Award for illustration from The Association of Illustrators in Finland. Her favorite color is the Northern winter sky during sunset and her favorite sound is waking up in a tent in a forest full of birds singing. For more, see annaemilia.com.
