3 Ways to be Mindful with Your Family This Holiday Season
Mindfulness has long been essential to spiritual practice, but recently it’s been embraced by schools at all levels. Recently, as an author visit at a middle school, I saw for myself the results of starting the day with a moment of silence and encouraging students to be mindful of others in hallways. Here are a few suggestions for family mindfulness during the holidays.
Start each day with mindful breathing.
During the holidays, we often wake up with our minds already spinning and busy with a long to do list. Take a few moments, in bed or in the shower, while brushing your teeth or waking your child, to follow your breath. The Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that we have to be present to be here, fully live each day. Even better, practice mindful breathing with your child.
Light a candle each day.
There’s something magical about lighting a candle. Creating ritual is one way to slow down and be mindful of each moment. It might be hard for busy families to have dinner together during the holidays. And maybe everyone in your house rushes out to the bus or car without sitting down to breakfast. But this time of year, when many of us struggle with darkness, the simple act of lighting a candle can help center ourselves.
Treasure the joy of quiet reading time.
The holidays are a great time to gather together to watch films, but don’t neglect the joy of quiet reading, which nurtures our imagination and allows us to be quiet together. If you have children, it’s a great way to share together. If you’re visiting relatives, take a risk and suggest a read aloud activity. We all love to be read to, whatever our age. And as we come together with those we love in the wonder of books and stories, we are reminded of what we treasure most.
Deborah Hopkinson has a master’s degree in Asian Studies from the University of Hawai’i at Mānoa, where she studied the role of women in thirteenth-century Japanese Buddhism. She is the author of Under the Bodhi Tree: A Story of the Buddha. She lived in Honolulu for 20 years and practiced Zen Buddhism with the late Roshi Robert Aitken, founder of the Diamond Sangha and Buddhist Peace Fellowship. She lives near Portland, Oregon. For more, visit deborahhopkinson.com.
The community here at Sounds True wishes you a lovely holiday season! We are happy to collaborate with some of our Sounds True authors to offer you wisdom and practices as we move into this time together; please enjoy this blog series for your holiday season.
To help encourage you and your loved ones to explore new possibilities this holiday season, we’re offering 40% off nearly all of our programs, books, and courses sitewide. May you find the wisdom to light your way.
The Healing Pulse – a free music download!
We’re happy to offer you The Healing Pulse, a free download featuring inspiring and and expansive music for healing, relaxation, and contemplation, Includes hand-picked selections from the Sounds True archive, including tracks from our friends Deva Premal, Jai Uttal, Snatam Kaur, Glen Velez, Kimba Arem, John de Kadt, Singh Kaur, and Riley Lee.
Download The Healing Pulse now!
More music from the Sounds True archive…
How to Cultivate Generosity in Our Children
Nearly every spiritual tradition has a practice of generosity and giving. We call it Dana in some traditions, Caritas in Christianity, Tzedekah in Judaism, alms or communal sharing in others, or in the United States, “The Holiday Season” stretching onward from Black Friday through the New Year. These spiritual (and commercial) practices existed long before the term “positive psychology,” but the principles overlap significantly. We know now that making a practice of kindness and generosity leads to physical and mental health and social and spiritual benefits.
In families, children are often in the “getting” role, while adults are in the “giving role,” but how can we encourage that spirit of generosity in the next generation?
We are wired to be generous, and both neuroscience and well-worn clichés tells us we feel more joy in giving than in receiving. However, our consumer culture tells us the opposite, that getting will make us feel better. These messages run counter to the spiritual and scientific wisdom showing health and happiness come more through giving than getting. Just imagine if our society received just as many messages urging us to give than get, if people camped outside stores for days just to donate to the latest charity.
Among the many benefits, generosity also builds trust between people. Studies show that the giver’s brain regions associated with trust and connection light up, fostering optimism, reducing depression, and creating healthy attachments, showing us why cultures develop practices related to gift-giving. The benefits even extend to just witnessing an act of generosity.
So how can we encourage generosity our families? Here are a few ideas to consider.
- Involve your kids in the decision for charitable giving, taking into account what your family’s values are: Social justice, the environment, health issues that have impacted your family, presents for children or families in need, and so on.
- Follow the lead of my friend’s grandmother who gave the grandkids $100 each year, with $50 to spend on themselves and $50 she would donate to a charity of their choice.
- Remember that giving can also include your time or your support. Volunteer as a family, a practice shown to boost happiness, empathy, and build closeness.
- Give experiences; the happiness will last longer than the lifespan of a toy. Perhaps travel, theater tickets, or museum passes.
- Donate toys to make space for the new. Notice together which toys are getting lonely and would be happier in a new home, saying thank you and goodbye to old toys, and imagining the happiness they will bring after they’ve been donated.
Looking for more great reads?
Excerpted from Raising Resilience by Christopher Willard, Pysd.
Christopher Willard, Psyd, is a clinical psychologist and consultant specializing in bringing mindfulness into education and psychotherapy. He lives in Cambridge, Massachusetts, teaches at Harvard Medical Schools, and leads workshops worldwide. For more, visit drchristopherwillard.com.
The Psychology of the Awakened Heart – an online video training with Jack Kornfield
Friends, we’re happy to let you know of a new online video training with our dear friend Jack Kornfield, on The Psychology of the Awakened Heart: A Training in the Four Essentials of a Healthy and Joyful Life. The course will be made available starting October 1st, however you can sign up and join at anytime, working through the material at your own pace, from the comfort of your own home.
The meditation practices passed down from the Buddha are beautiful, time-tested ways to awaken a compassionate, joyful, and loving heart. Buddhist psychology and research from modern neuroscience both show enormous benefits from using these methods as a regular practice or in conjunction with conventional therapy. With The Psychology of the Awakened Heart, master teacher Jack Kornfield invites mental health professionals and meditators alike to an eight-session online video course on the Buddhist psychology of well-being. Each session, Jack will present life-changing practices, wisdom teachings, and healing stories—offering a rich mix of practical and scientific information and experiential exercises based on the timeless principles of Buddhist psychology.
Learn more about this special online training opportunity, watch a video sample, and register here.
Share Good Karma! – free gifts from Sounds True
Dear friends, we wanted to let you know about a new program at Sounds True, called Share Good Karma, which was created so that you could receive free gifts from us – and share them with your friends.
The first two titles featured in the program are a collection of relaxing and healing music, entitled Meditation Music: An Invitation to Still the Mind and Open the Heart; and The Practice of Mindfulness: 6 Guided Practices. Once three of your friends ‘accept’ these free gifts from you, you’ll receive an additional free gift of your choice.
Learn more and get signed up for Share Good Karma!
Don’t Let Integrity Snatchers Steal Your Joy
Because your internal meaning-making machine, colors your perception of your life and your very self, and can dictate your actions, non-action, and choices, you probably live with some constant companions. I call them Integrity Snatchers. Integrity Snatchers diminish your sense of self, and erodes your self-trust. They are not “bad” or “wrong.” They are not something to be gotten rid of since they are part of our humanity, and if you are human you won’t be able to get rid of them. But the important thing is to become aware of them. To understand that when left unattended, Integrity Snatchers will keep you from making the highest choices for yourself and going for the life of your dreams.
When you become aware of your Integrity Snatchers, you can remove them from their seat of power.
Integrity Snatcher #1: Shame
As humans, we are desperately afraid that the negative labels we have given ourselves are true. And thus, shame arises. We are paralyzed by the shame of believing that we are not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, or pretty enough. Our shame, which is generally birthed from some childhood event, teaches us to hide who we truly are because we fear that who we are is fundamentally flawed. Our shame leads us to believe that people won’t like us if they know who we truly are at our core. Our shame is what creates our external persona and robs us of authenticity.
Integrity Snatcher #2: Shadow
Our shame gives birth to our shadow. Our shadow is comprised of the parts of ourselves that we have so much shame around, that we disown. We judge ourselves so relentlessly, that we cannot fathom the possibility that our shadow aspects or unwanted characteristics live inside of us. How could I be weak, a doormat like my mother? A cheater or liar like my ex? Or mean and abusive like my father? Because our shadows are so distasteful or symbolize someone who hurt us deeply, we disown and detach from them. We vow to ourselves that we are not and never will be that! Our need to bury these parts of ourselves, and deny their existence, automatically wreaks havoc on our integrity. We cannot be whole and complete if we have lost access to the full spectrum of our traits and emotions. We cannot live in our truth if we are hiding the existence of all these parts of ourselves from ourselves and others.
Integrity Snatcher #3: Fear
Our shame, our belief that, “I am that…” gives birth to our shadow, our belief that “I don’t want to be that….” which gives birth to Integrity Snatcher #3— living in a constant state of fear. We are afraid at every moment of our lives that someone might discover our faults and unworthiness! This coupled with that negative meaning loop that keeps playing in our minds paralyzes us. We view life through a lens of fear. Our fear permeates every area of our being. We have fears about ourselves: I’m not good enough, pretty enough, competent enough. We have fears about life: Life is unfair. Life is about struggle. We have fears about others: People will disappoint me. I can’t trust anyone. Everyone leaves. We have fears even about the “good stuff:” Love hurts. There is no such thing as happiness. Nothing lasts forever.
Integrity Snatcher #4: Your Story
Each of us has a story. We actually have many stories. They consist of all the thoughts, beliefs, internal dialogues, or fears that we have around any subject. For example, our story-lines can range from anything like I will never get what I want to what your fate will be based on your gender, color of your skin, level of education, or even your weight. Our stories stem from all the meaning-making that we set into motion as a child. We can also adopt the stories of the communities we grew up in or the people closest to us. Many of us take on the stories of our parents. They can become the narrative of the family that gets passed down from generation to generation, anchoring the family in a legacy of lack. Although these stories are not necessarily bad or good, they can be limiting.
Integrity Snatcher #5: Playing the Role of the Victim
Like Susan, when we are stuck in our stories we are generally cast in the role of the victim. But when we vow to live a life of integrity we commit to live a life of radical responsibility. We acknowledge that our life is in our hands. It is a demarcation point—a gift we give to ourselves. It means we take our power back. It means being responsible for our thoughts, beliefs, choices, behaviors, and for our deepest dreams and grandest desires. There is no sustained room for, “Oh, woe is me! Poor me! Forget about me! or You did this to me!”
Integrity Snatcher #6: Wanting
Wanting is the Integrity Snatcher I’m most vigilant about because any time I am in a place of wanting, I can slip and slide right out of my integrity. Especially when I think about the men in my life…wanting for him to be the one, wanting to make the relationship work, wanting to hold on and not let go, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings…I can’t tell you how many times I stepped over my truth and out of my integrity in order to fuel the fantasy and turn the wanting into my reality.
Wanting comes from fear or lack. Whether we are conscious of it or not, we think we are missing something, so we yearn for the outside world to fill us up. It is our fear and our wounded and diminished sense of self, telling us that we don’t have something, and we need to get it. That need turns to desperation and the cliché is true—desperate people do desperate things. They ignore their truth, as well as all the warning signs. They buy into their own BS, and put themselves into scenarios that they often know won’t end well, but they can’t help themselves…they wanted it so badly.
Integrity Snatcher #7: People Who Empower Your Helplessness
Although integrity is an inside job, and not something others can give to or take away from us, we all are human. At some point we might want someone to take care of us, to assist us, to save us, or to handle a part of our life that we don’t feel confident in or enjoy. So, Integrity Snatcher #7 is like a warning sign—watch out for the people who empower your helplessness.
Looking for more great reads?
Excerpted from The Integrity Advantage by Kelley Kosow.
Kelley Kosow is a Master Integrative Coach, program and workshop leader, and CEO of The Ford Institute, a personal development organization that has helped tens of thousands worldwide. For more, visit kelleykosow.com.
