How to Cope with Shame, the Master Emotion
Shame has been called the master emotion because it takes over our bodies and our minds. It can freeze our nervous system. It can place us in a fog, unable to seek help, reassess a situation or reassess what is really going on. Shame defeats our ability to reflect on ourselves, get some support, and move on. Shame can be overwhelming, but if we can look at it clearly and catch it before it takes over, we can cope with it and create conditions that can transform it from an enemy into a friend.
This is not academic to us. We are both well-acquainted with the experience of shame. Co-author of Embracing Shame, Sheila Rubin has been researching shame since she was a shy five-year-old. “In my twenties, I remember having a new job and being so worried about being late for a first meeting that I showed up early and accidentally interrupted a lunch that was happening in the room,” notes Sheila. “I froze in embarrassment. I remember the shame voice saying to me: ‘What’s wrong with me? Maybe they shouldn’t hire me because something is wrong with me.’ Fortunately, while I was holding the door knob, frozen in shame, someone opened the door and invited me in with kindness.”
Embracing Shame co-author, Bret Lyon, remembers that, as a kid, when the gym teacher blew the whistle and said to pick teams. Everyone else was picked first. He still remembers trying to pretend it didn’t matter while he felt like dying inside.
One client accepted extra work even though he does not want to work weekends because he wants to be liked and couldn’t say “no” because it would be embarrassing.
Another client spoke of shame seeping into her mind about the changes in her body since giving birth. She is happy to be a mother, but the changes in her body and the inner dialogue in her mind keep her in shame circles. The differences between how she experienced her body and how she feels now is shame.
Our inner conversations may say a variety of unhelpful things. For many of us, it is the voice of not being good enough. Or we might feel like an imposter. If our partner or boss says that we made a mistake, that may be a trigger for a shame attack.
Here are some clues to know when shame may be operating in your mind and body:
Thoughts: There’s something wrong with me and I don’t want anyone to know. Maybe I am an imposter and I need to hide.
Sensations: Feeling shy, face flushed, brain can freeze, difficulty having a conversation.
Reactions: Embarrassed, going blank, blaming others, using activity to numb, withdrawing. Not able to write or think clearly and not know why.
Coping with shame
If, instead of letting shame take over, we can be with and observe our shame, we can actually begin to learn something from it. We can begin to transform shame from a toxic disruptor to a useful informant, from a devastating foe to a useful ally.
Here are a few experiments to try when you notice shame coming up. Instead of putting yourself down, try one, then reflect on the results and write them down in a journal or in your notes app:
Be kind to yourself. Say something kind to yourself to ease the shame.
Pause and take a breath. Pausing for even a few seconds or one minute can offer a new perspective. How might this allow you to set a new boundary or reframe your story in a healthier way?
Set boundaries. Is there an extra shift you cannot take this week? Can you say stop or politely decline?
Name your feelings. Notice what didn’t feel good in your reaction. Can you talk about what you’re feeling in a different way?
Ground yourself. Tap your feet or feel the earth under your feet.
Get support. Talk to a friend who is kind and who can hear your feelings.
Spend time in nature. Take a few minutes to bathe in nature to refresh and replenish.
Understand that change happens slowly. Talk back to the shame inside yourself for a bit and find if the shame can be a little less toxic. Even a small shift or change can help you move forward rather than staying stuck.
Being friends with your shame can begin to change yourself and your life. When toxic shame lifts there can be access to creativity and new doors can open. The weight of heaviness can be put down and we can have new hope for the future. The reason we do this work is so others can find hope when there is shame and they can transform it and heal it.
Sheila Rubin, MA, LMFT, RDT/BCT, has been researching shame since she was five years old. Along with her husband and colleague, Bret Lyon, she is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world to more effectively identify and work with shame. Sheila is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Registered Drama Therapist, and has taught at JFK University and CIIS, as well as being the eating disorder specialist at a hospital and directing Embodied Life Stories performances. For more, visit healingshame.com.
Bret Lyon, PhD, SEP has devoted almost two decades of his life to healing shame. Along with his wife and colleague, Sheila Rubin, he is a founder and codirector of the Center for Healing Shame, and cocreator of the Healing Shame–Lyon/Rubin Method. Through their popular workshops, they have taught thousands of psychotherapists, coaches, and other helping professionals across the world how to more effectively identify and work with shame. Bret holds doctorates in both psychology and drama and has taught at Tufts University, Pomona College, and the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, as well as writing and directing plays in regional theater and off-off Broadway. For more, visit healingshame.com.
Effortless Mindfulness: A Universal Practice for Everyone
My introduction to the immediate effects of effortless mindfulness in Nepal allowed me to see that I did not need to remain in the East, join a monastery, or practice in a cave to discover the well-being, clarity, and open-hearted awareness that were already within me. I returned to the United States to continue to train with eyes open in the midst of my day-to-day life.
I have no doubt, as I look back now, that it was the natural compassion of open-hearted awareness revealed by effortless mindfulness that propelled me to pursue a second master’s degree in clinical social work. As I felt a deeper connection to everyone, I wanted to train for a life of service to those most in need. I also got sober, went to weekly psychotherapy, continued psychotherapist training, and got married to the love of my life, Paige. At this time, I was also asked to join the Teachers Council of the New York Insight Meditation Center, where I taught deliberate mindfulness practices. I continued to attend teachings and retreats to develop and deepen my practices and studies with a variety of nondual and effortless mindfulness teachers.
Right after graduate school, I went to work in New York City at the Brooklyn Mental Health Clinic. This was an outpatient community center that provided psychotherapy for people who had been psychiatrically hospitalized or were living in a halfway house and attending a psychiatric day-treatment program. It was during breaks or when clients missed sessions that I began exploring and developing the mindful glimpses found in my book, The Way of Effortless Mindfulness, that are versions of the ancient wisdom practices I learned during my travels.
As I gazed out the window into the open sky from my seventeenth-floor office, I began to explore my own mind to see how suffering was created and relieved. I noticed how identification with a thought, feeling, and parts of my personality collapsed my thinking into a narrow perception of both myself and others. I practiced shifting my awareness from a contracted small self to a new way of seeing and being, which was more open-minded and open-hearted. I also noticed how, when I intentionally separated awareness from thinking, I could awaken to an already spacious and interconnected view that was free of a deep kind of suffering.
For example, if I was feeling upset, I would acknowledge my feelings and shift awareness out of the cloud of stormy emotions and then, from this open mind and open heart, return to the emotions with a new view. This brought such relief and joy! It was like emerging from a dark tunnel to a beautiful view, except I was not only seeing the view. It was as if I were viewing from an open, quiet, loving intelligence that was connected to everything. How could this freedom be so close and yet so hidden from most people’s day-to-day experience? How was it that despite all the progress humanity has made in other areas—like medicine, communication, and technology—that shifting into awake awareness was not something that was recognized and taught to everyone?
I approached these explorations of the anatomy of awareness with curiosity and wonder. It was exciting to experiment and reverse-engineer practices from the wisdom traditions I had studied in India, Sri Lanka, and Nepal. One of the approaches to awakening that I draw from, Sutra Mahamudra, originated in North India. It is a tradition that is like a bridge between the three main traditions of Buddhism: Theravada, Mahayana, and Vajrayana (Tibetan). One reason I was drawn to it is that it focuses on practices for everyday people, not just monastics, to awaken in the midst of their daily life. One of my teachers, Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, wrote that Sutra Mahamudra “is seen as a profound method because it does not require any of the sophisticated and complex tantric rituals, deity yoga visualization practices, or samayas [vows]. Sutra Mahamudra has a tradition of skillful means that contains profound methods of directly pointing out the selfless and luminous nature of mind.” I began to try to translate ancient practices I had learned from many teachers and texts into accessible, contemporary language and forms. I checked in with teachers such as Traleg Rinpoche to make sure the practices were staying true to the essence of the teachings as I translated them. I also began to notice that if I remained receptive, it was as if awake awareness started showing me the anatomy and principles of awakening. I started calling these contemporary versions of ancient wisdom practices “Brooklyn Mahamudra.”
This is an excerpt from The Way of Effortless Mindfulness: A Revolutionary Guide for Living an Awakened Life by Loch Kelly.
Loch Kelly, MDiv, LCSW, is a leader in the field of meditation and psychotherapy. He is author of the award-winning Shift into Freedom and founder of the Open-Hearted Awareness Institute. Loch is an emerging voice in modernizing meditation, social engagement, and collaborating with neuroscientists. For more, visit lochkelly.org.
Buy your copy of The Way of Effortless Mindfulness at your favorite bookseller!
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Creating an Altar in Your Home
Most of us come from secularized backgrounds from which spiritual forms, practices, and rituals have been scrubbed away, and we tend to have an aversion toward things like altars. However, most members of the world’s religious population keep a personal altar or shrine in their home, where they connect with and perform rituals to ancestors, saints, and the Divine, even amid modern, urban lives. In Western secular culture, altars have morphed into man caves, home theaters, or packed closets where we worship the gods of fame, beauty, and success. Consider how much time, energy, and prioritization we give these. Sound judgmental? Would it be judgmental for me to say a crisp, fresh kale salad is healthier than a bucket of fried chicken, or a run in the park more vitalizing than a television binge? We’ve been trained to abandon discernment—some things are better for us than others. It’s not all good.
If you can see an altar as psychological or emotional equipment—a bench press for the mind, augmentation for the heart—it might change your opinion. One of my teachers once said, “Clean your house as if the Dalai Lama was coming to visit for tea.” Now imagine sitting down at your altar with the Dalai Lama. It makes for an incredibly different experience if you picture an inspiring person right there with you. This may change your mind, not because of anything magical or special that is out there, but because the visualization shifts the quality of your experience. This altar is not for anybody else. Whose mind improves if you look at your altar and see a real Buddha instead of a bronze statue of a Buddha? Yours.
When Tibetan Buddhists set up altars, they put many objects on them, but three are central:
- Buddha statue (symbolizing awakened body)
- Scripture or other text (symbolizing awakened speech)
- Stupa or other shrine (symbolizing awakened mind)
So when you sit facing an altar, you become familiar with transforming your own body, speech, and mind.
The body or form of a Buddha (rupakaya), particularly the aspects of compassion and engagement, is represented by a statue placed in the middle of the altar. Your Buddha might be a Tibetan thangka painting or a simple stone. It might be a photograph of the Dalai Lama or Pope Francis, an image of Pema Chödrön or Martin Luther King, Jr. No matter who or what it is, imagine it’s the embodiment of a real, living Buddha inviting you to practice, inspiring you to evolve.
Here is how I set up my Buddhist altar, but you can always arrange things and add or take away things as it works for you:
Excerpted from Gradual Awakening: The Tibetan Buddhist Path of Becoming Fully Human, by Miles Neale.
MILES NEALE, PSYD, is among the leading voices of the current generation of Buddhist teachers and a forerunner in the emerging field of contemplative psychotherapy. He is a Buddhist psychotherapist in private practice, assistant director of the Nalanda Institute for Contemplative Science, and faculty at Tibet House US and Weill Cornell Medical College.
Dr. Neale is co-editor of and contributor to the groundbreaking volume Advances in Contemplative Psychotherapy: Accelerated Healing and Transformation and author of Gradual Awakening: The Tibetan Buddhist Path of Becoming Fully Human. For more visit milesneale.com.
Buy your copy of Gradual Awakening at your favorite bookseller!
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The Art of Empathy, with Karla McLaren
We’re happy to hear that so many of you are enjoying Karla McLaren‘s wonderful new book The Art of Empathy: A Complete Guide to Life’s Most Essential Skill. In it, Karla describes what she refers to as the single most important skill that we have to directly and radically improve our relationships and emotional life – but one that has been quite misunderstood.
Informed by current insights from neuroscience, social psychology, and healing traditions, this book explores:
– Why empathy is not a mystical phenomenon but a natural, innate ability that we can strengthen and develop
– How to identify and regulate our emotions and boundaries
– The process of shifting into the perspective of others
– How to provide support in a sensitive and healthy way
– Insights for navigating our hyper-connected social landscape
– Targeted chapters for improving family, workplace, and intimate relationships
– Ways to expand our empathy to our community, global levels of society, and the natural world
In addition to the book, Karla has also recorded an original seven-hour audio learning course on The Art of Empathy.
Here is a short video by Karla, speaking about The Art of Empathy…
Ayurveda Lifestyle Wisdom
Dear Wisdom Seekers,
I am writing to tell you that anything is possible.
You have the potential to change your state of health for the better—permanently. Thanks to Ayurveda, the profound 5,000-year-old health awakening wisdom from India, I have successfully overcome a genetic challenge that wanted to restrict me to a wheelchair. Today, I walk happily, even run, and live my life to its fullest.
In my new book, Ayurveda Lifestyle Wisdom, I share real-life journeys of transformation from people with conditions such as ulcerative colitis, multiple sclerosis, depression, and chronic obesity. Indeed, this wisdom is ancient, but ever so relevant to our modern epidemic of lifestyle disorders.
In addition to its restorative principles, Ayurveda is preventative, eco-friendly, and cost effective. You literally construct your health in your own kitchen and backyard. Perhaps this explains its rising popularity all over the world. Countless people are laying claim to this joy-bearing health by implementing a nature-inspired, seasonal lifestyle from the art, science, and spirituality of Ayurveda that sheds a beautiful light on the three pillars of health – sleep, sex, and food!
In a sense, my book is a vehicle to document the experiential and spiritually charged instruction of my formative years. You see, I grew up in India in a tiny riverside town, resplendent with golden sunshine and the call of peacocks dancing in the monsoons. The mystic Himalayas gifted my soul with an immense river, the Sarayu, on whose serene banks I conversed, contemplated, and meditated as a young student with my teacher—a renowned yogi and healer, who was also my kind-hearted grandfather.
Every morning, I learned not only to cup my palms to reach out for the beautiful river water and splash it on my face with glee, but I also learned to recapture handfuls of hope. When we beautify each day with a scared lifestyle, we connect our mundane existence with something sublime and potent within us.
This is how I learned Ayurveda’s secrets, heart to heart, soul to soul, by journeying first within myself to explore my own infinite potential. And this is how I share them with you in Ayurveda Lifestyle Wisdom—step by step and from my heart.
I believe my book will awaken something invisible within—a powerful presence and an inner knowingness. Remember, a well-lived day is medicine unto itself.
PS- “Acharya” is my traditional title in Sanskrit, which means “master teacher.” Shunya is my name. And you can always go to acharyashunya.com to read more about the book and my journey.
Radiantly yours,
Shunya
Rewilding Our Spiritual Practice
Mindfulness Rewilded
“As great as the infinite space beyond is the space within the lotus of the heart. Both heaven and earth are contained in that inner space, both fire and air, sun and moon, lightning and stars. Whether we know it in this world or know it not, everything is contained in that inner space.”
THE CHANDOGYA UPANISHAD
As someone inside “the mindfulness industry,” I have observed that yoga has become as deprived of nature as the rest of society. With our rubber-soled shoes, yoga mats, and indoor practice spaces, modern humans move from one nature-disconnected space to another. Even during those rare moments between the car and the studio, we wear shoes that prevent contact with the ground beneath our feet. Yet the practices of yoga and meditation were born in the mountains, forests, and deserts of Asia.
A few years ago, I attended a yoga conference in Manhattan, a few floors up at the midtown Hilton. After my second yoga class in a stuffy, windowless room, with hundreds of yogis in spandex moving about on rubber mats, I experienced a moment of cognitive dissonance. I love yoga—it is a powerful, beautiful practice—and I believe that the widespread increase in yoga and mindfulness practice is profoundly positive. However, something about this scenario didn’t seem quite right to me—or quite right for me.
Not long after, at another yoga and recovery conference, my friend Tim Walsh, an avid outdoorsman and recovery coach, expressed my own thoughts when he said, “Folks, we’re standing on rubber mats inside a temperature-controlled room on the second floor of a giant brick building. How much more disconnected from the earth can you get!” His words rang inside me, and at that moment, something at my core woke up. I had felt this disconnect for years, and now it was time to do something about it.
I had dreamed for many years of somehow bridging the worlds of meditation, yoga, and mindfulness with rewilding. When I finally started to research the connections between nature and mindfulness practices, I ended up creating programs for students at Kripalu that immersed us in forests and fields while practicing. I wanted to help people become conscious of their inner nature while out in nature and to help them see the importance of conserving our natural environments—the primal parts of ourselves. How did yoga and meditation, wild practices designed to awaken, empower, and enlighten, become so disconnected from the enlivening power and the beauty of the living earth? Because yoga and mindfulness have profound benefits for well-being, they have also been co-opted and commercialized. Products have proliferated—the mats and the clothing, the snacks and the food, the shoes and the hats. Our economy is driven by the consumption of things that must be extracted from the earth and produced and marketed and sold. As yoga and mindfulness became imbedded in modern culture’s mostly indoor lifestyle, these ancient practices also became cut off from the presence of the wind, sun, moon, and life of the living earth.
When we disconnect from the living earth, we lose the life-affirming wisdom that is found outdoors. If we consider the fact that we are an evolutionary expression of the evolving earth, then our own self-awareness can be thought of as the self-awareness of the living earth itself. Which is a pretty powerful idea to ponder! And it means that human rewilding can lead to a rewilding of our spirit, a reinspiriting of our essential nature.
Pacification or Liberation?
Yoga and mindfulness today are often used to help people invite calm and to support greater self-regulation and impulse control in stressful situations. But just as I’m concerned about their commodification, I’m also concerned that these ancient practices are being used as pacifiers to help people put up with the negative effects of modern society, because these ancient practices are also the tools for true liberation from the root causes of our distress.
To be clear, yoga, meditation, and mindfulness are extremely valuable practices. The abilities to take a deep breath and step back from the fight-or-flight response, to self-soothe, and to know when to practice self-care, these are all critical tools for living consciously.
I am reminded of an episode of the old television show Kung Fu, in which a martial arts master, played by David Carradine, is taken prisoner and forced into manual labor under the blazing sun. Labeled a troublemaker, he is put into a hot box, a cast-iron oven with an unbearably fierce temperature. In the box is another man who is panicked by their dangerous situation. Carradine calmly teaches the man how to meditate, to slow his breathing and witness his thoughts. At the end of the day, they are released, and both emerge from the box alert and calm, much to the surprise of their captors.
A more recent and real-life example is the group of boys on a soccer team in Thailand who were stranded for almost two weeks in a complex network of flooded tunnels. They learned to meditate from their coach, who had lived in a Buddhist monastery for 10 years. They sat in the darkness, not knowing if anyone would come to their aid, and they stayed calm and connected to one another. They were all ultimately saved by a team of divers who risked their own lives in the effort.
Meditation is a powerful antidote to fear and the modern daily stresses that can harm our health if left unchecked. Meditation can even save your life. But if you are under duress, the first thing to check is whether you can get out of it. See if the door to the hot box can be opened. Look for the escape route in the cave. If a change in the circumstances is possible, the wise action is to eliminate the cause of suffering first, and meditate later.
As a species, we often don’t even know that we are in a hot box or a dangerous cave. The stress of modern life is ubiquitous, so a change of environment may not even seem like an option. And, of course, not everyone can get away from their circumstances or difficulties. Not everyone has easy access to pristine natural places. Many can’t afford to travel to a place with fresh air and water.
I hope that the steps I teach in my book, Rewilding, for connecting with the living earth will open doors for everyone. The sunlight, the movement of air, the presence of the earth that is solid and stable even in asphalt, the dandelion coming up through a crack in the pavement, all can be entries into a wilder, more conscious, more awakened life.
For more practices in rewilding, search for “Micah Mortali” on the Sounds True blog to read his other posts or find his book, Rewilding: Meditations, Practices, and Skills for Awakening in Nature, at your favorite bookseller!
Micah Mortali is director of the Kripalu Schools, one of the largest and most established
centers for yoga-based education in the world. An avid outdoorsman, mindful wilderness guide,
500-hour Kripalu yoga teacher, and popular meditation teacher, Mortali has been leading
groups in wilderness and retreat settings for 20 years. In 2018, he founded the Kripalu School of
Mindful Outdoor Leadership. Mortali has a passion for helping people come home to themselves
and the earth, and he is finishing his master’s at Goddard College on nature awareness and
mindfulness practices. He lives with his wife and children in the Berkshires. For more, visit
micahmortali.com.
Read Rewilding today!
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