Eileen Santos Rosete: Tending to Womb Loss

    —
December 17, 2024

Eileen Santos Rosete: Tending to Womb Loss

Eileen S. Rosete December 17, 2024

Millions of women experience the loss of a pregnancy every year. Yet too often these individuals are not afforded the same dignity, support, and reverence we extend to other people facing grief after the death of a loved one. “We, too, are postpartum after pregnancy and infant loss,” says grief educator and doula Eileen Santos Rosete. “And we deserve the same care all who give birth need.” 

In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with Eileen about her new book, To Tend and To Hold. Tune in to hear how this groundbreaking educator is helping initiate a cultural shift in our understanding and attitude toward this sensitive and largely misunderstood topic, as Tami and Eileen discuss: the term “womb loss” as a respectful alternative to “miscarriage”; releasing the guilt that is so prevalent during pregnancy loss; choosing more respectful language to describe women’s reproductive health; integrating grief- and trauma-sensitive care into our medical system; affording reverence to someone who is grieving; self-tending practices to support relaxation and healing; feeling at home in your body; connecting with the womb space; self-trust and honoring what is most meaningful to you; approaches to soften the acute pain of grief; the candle-lighting ritual; and more.

Eileen Santos Rosete, MSMFT, PCD(DONA), CYT 200, holds a master of science in marriage and family therapy from Northwestern University and is certified as a DONA International postpartum doula, trauma-informed yoga teacher, and grief educator. Her brand, Our Sacred Women®, is known for its elevated offerings that help women feel seen, held, and honored. She is especially passionate about supporting all who give birth and are postpartum both after live births and after loss. To learn more, visit eileensantosrosete.com.

Author photo © Erin Scabuzzo

600 Podcasts and Counting…

Subscribe to Insights at the Edge to hear all of Tami’s interviews (transcripts available too!), featuring Eckhart Tolle, Caroline Myss, Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Adyashanti, and many more.

Meet Your Host: Tami Simon

Founded Sounds True in 1985 as a multimedia publishing house with a mission to disseminate spiritual wisdom. She hosts a popular weekly podcast called Insights at the Edge, where she has interviewed many of today's leading teachers. Tami lives with her wife, Julie M. Kramer, and their two spoodles, Rasberry and Bula, in Boulder, Colorado.

Photo © Jason Elias

Also By Author

If You Are Postpartum and Bereaved, Know You Are Not A...

An Excerpt From To Tend And To Hold: Honoring Our Bodies, Our Needs, and Our Grief Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss

For as long as there has been life, there has been death. For as long as we have birthed life, we have also birthed death. What you feel has been felt since time immemorial, and it has been felt by many, though womb loss is still not widely known or acknowledged. Consider that even in the most optimal conditions, there is only a 30 to 40 percent chance that a clinically recognized pregnancy will occur in a given menstrual cycle, and only about 30 percent of conceived pregnancies progress to live birth.1 Globally, approximately one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and 2.6 million pregnancies end in stillbirth.2 In 2022, 2.3 million newborns died in the first month of life,3 and approximately 73 million induced abortions occur every year.4 Womb loss in and after pregnancy is, in fact, a common and regular occurrence, though many of us may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and shame as if such loss is atypical and we are deserving of blame. The prevailing stigma surrounding womb loss makes enduring it all the more challenging as we may feel reluctant to reach out for support and hold on to harmful ideas about our worth. You are not alone, nor are you any less precious and deserving of support. You are not alone as the anguish of womb loss has been felt, is being felt at this very moment, and will continue to be felt the world over.

Before we go any further, let us reconnect with our breath. It can be hard to breathe if you’ve recently learned about your womb loss or impending loss and feel pressure to make decisions right away. Or if you have learned of the potential for a loss and have to endure a waiting period before you know for certain. It can be hard to breathe even as you process a loss long since passed. The following practice is an invitation to make the resilient choice to slow down and allow yourself a moment to breathe. So that you can feel grounded. So that you can have the capacity to be present to your grief. So that you can tend to your needs.

GROUNDING BREATHING PRACTICE

Three Deep Breaths
This offering is a simple and short breathing practice. Because you deserve breathing room, and because there is power in the pause. In that fleeting moment between what was and what can be, if you can breathe deeply and connect with your body, you may find yourself more able to understand what you feel and then what you need. Allow yourself this pause so you can make a more intentional decision about what comes next.

The Invitation

When you are ready, take three deep breaths at your own pace and in your own way. You might inhale and exhale through the nose or inhale through the nose and exhale audibly through the mouth. You might close your eyes or soften your gaze as you do so, allowing your awareness to gently follow each breath, letting everything else fade to the background. You might even think the following words as you breathe, allowing them to help you feel grounded in this moment.

Inhale. Exhale. One.

Inhale. Exhale. Two.

Inhale. Exhale. Two.

Your body may want to continue breathing this way, or it may feel like this was enough. Honor what feels right for you.

Sometimes breathing is the most we can bring ourselves to do, the best we can do, when our whole being is overcome. Deciding what comes next may feel like too much to ask of ourselves. If so, breathe, and trust that it is enough for this moment.


Eileen Santos Rosete, MSMFT, PCD(DONA), CYT 200, holds a master of science in marriage and family therapy from Northwestern University and is certified as a DONA International postpartum doula, trauma-informed yoga teacher, and grief educator. Her brand, Our Sacred Women®, is known for its elevated offerings that help women feel seen, held, and honored. She is especially passionate about supporting all who give birth and are postpartum both after live births and after loss. To learn more, visit eileensantosrosete.com.

Eileen Santos Rosete: Tending to Womb Loss

Millions of women experience the loss of a pregnancy every year. Yet too often these individuals are not afforded the same dignity, support, and reverence we extend to other people facing grief after the death of a loved one. “We, too, are postpartum after pregnancy and infant loss,” says grief educator and doula Eileen Santos Rosete. “And we deserve the same care all who give birth need.” 

In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with Eileen about her new book, To Tend and To Hold. Tune in to hear how this groundbreaking educator is helping initiate a cultural shift in our understanding and attitude toward this sensitive and largely misunderstood topic, as Tami and Eileen discuss: the term “womb loss” as a respectful alternative to “miscarriage”; releasing the guilt that is so prevalent during pregnancy loss; choosing more respectful language to describe women’s reproductive health; integrating grief- and trauma-sensitive care into our medical system; affording reverence to someone who is grieving; self-tending practices to support relaxation and healing; feeling at home in your body; connecting with the womb space; self-trust and honoring what is most meaningful to you; approaches to soften the acute pain of grief; the candle-lighting ritual; and more.

Turning to my Filipino Roots to Tend to Womb Loss

October is a meaningful month for me as it honors two important parts of my identity. It is Filipino American History Month, a time to acknowledge and honor the presence and contributions of Filipino Americans. Although my parents immigrated to the United States from the Philippines in 1980, records show that Filipinos were present here as early as 1587, landing in present-day Morro Bay, California as part of a Spanish galleon. In an interesting moment of alignment, I am writing this to you from Morro Bay, feeling the palpable power of the land and seeing the sacred 600-foot-tall Morro Rock–known as Lisamu’ in the Chumash language and Lesa’mo’ by the Salinan people–standing proudly just outside the window of our Airstream trailer. October is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, a time to increase awareness about and honor those of us who have endured such loss- what I often refer to as womb loss.

This October is particularly meaningful with my book, To Tend and To Hold: Honoring Our Bodies, Our Needs, and Our Grief Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss, officially launching on October 22. In it I share how my identities as a Filipina American and bereaved mother intertwine, and how valuable it can be for survivors of womb loss to turn to their cultural traditions for support as they grieve and as their postpartum bodies return to a non-pregnant state. How I came across this online essay and found solace in the language of my ancestors who use terms to describe miscarriage as “someone from whom something was taken away” rather than placing blame with the prefix mis- which means wrongly or badly. I did not carry my pregnancies wrongly or badly. Loss was something that my body experienced.

The following is an excerpt from To Tend and To Hold that I hold dear as it shares a traditional Filipino dish I grew up eating and that I share now as a postpartum doula to offer comfort and nourishment to those who are postpartum, both with living children and after loss. I hope it may offer you comfort as well, no matter if your experience of womb loss was recent, in the past weeks, months or even many years ago. My heart is with you and please know that you are not alone as you grieve and as you heal- at your own pace and in your own way.

~

I recently cooked this recipe for champorado, a Filipino rice porridge, for my beloved friend Katrina on a very tender anniversary, the due date of one of her children and the death date of another. Her child, Zeo Thomas, would have been born that day had he not died in the womb at five months gestation. It was within the same year of his death that her second child, Solis Vida, died in the womb in the first trimester. In truth, Katrina had been bleeding for over a week to release her second pregnancy, but as she bled through Zeo’s due date, she felt an intuitive pull to honor this same date as Solis’s death date. I thought of my friend as I made my way slowly through the grocery store. Though it was crowded and busy, I felt cocooned in my thoughts and intentions for her—how I wanted to help her feel seen and held during this difficult time—and I found myself gathering each of the ingredients in a mindful way that felt like the beginning of a bigger ritual. Knowing I was going to cook for her to honor her, her babies, her grief, and also her longings added a layer of reverence to what would otherwise be a standard grocery run. Later as I cooked the porridge in her home, I channeled my love and condolences into each step. And when I finally brought the warm bowl of champorado to her and saw her reaction, it was my turn to feel honored. Honored  to be there with her. Honored to tend to her. And with a dish we both knew from our childhoods. She dubbed it “postpartum champorado,” and so it shall be known.

Warm and soft, rice porridge is one of the best postpartum foods as it is easy to eat, warming to the body, and gentle on the digestive system. Its very nature is to offer comfort. In my opinion, champorado, a Filipino chocolate rice porridge I grew up savoring, is one of the most heartwarming dishes, with the cacao tending as much to the emotional heart as to the physical body. It can be offered any time of day for both a filling meal and a gentle reminder that there is still sweetness in life even amidst grief.

In this nourishing version, cacao powder is used in place of cocoa so that we may benefit from all that this superfood has to offer, including iron to help rebuild red blood cells, flavonoids to improve blood flow, and magnesium to ease anxiety and depression. In addition to being nutrient-rich, cacao is also known to lift the mood. If the thought of preparing food feels beyond your current capacity at this moment, consider sharing this recipe with a partner, postpartum doula, or other support person and asking them to cook it for you. Additionally, if you are currently pregnant, please consult your health-care provider before consuming cacao as it contains caffeine.

Champorado: Filipino chocolate rice porridge

  • 1 cup sweet rice (also called glutinous or sticky rice) or sushi rice
  • 5 cups water
  • 1/4 cup cacao powder
  • 1/2 cup brown sugar
  • 1 tablespoon unflavored protein powder (optional)
  • Condensed coconut milk for topping
  • Cacao nibs (optional)

Rinse the sweet rice several times until the water runs clear when drained.

Combine rice and water in a pot over medium-high heat. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to medium and continue to cook until the rice is soft and the porridge thickens (about 20 minutes), stirring often to keep from sticking to the bottom of the pot.

Add cacao powder, brown sugar, and unflavored protein powder. Stir to combine, then remove from heat.

Drizzle condensed coconut milk (or other milk of choice) and top with cacao nibs. Serve hot.

To Tend and to Hold

Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Bookshop | Sounds True

Eileen S. Rosete

You Might Also Enjoy

Take Your Inner Child on Playdates

Have you ever been ice-skating before? It sounds like a fun winter activity (especially if you enjoy the cold, like I do), but it can be frustrating and even downright scary if you’re new to it.

Picture this: I took my nephew ice-skating for the first time, full of excitement to see him experience some joy. At twelve years of age, he was already taller than me and had size thirteen feet thanks to his six-foot-eight-inch-tall dad (my brother). The biggest rental skates they had came with worn-out laces rather than the secure plastic bindings all of the other skates had. I could see that they were a little loose around the ankle, but we tied them as best we could and hit the ice.

If you’ve ever seen a newborn deer figuring out how to walk for the first time, you can picture my nephew’s first time on ice skates. His ankles kept knocking in, and he was reaching to hold onto anything for dear life as he wobbled around the perimeter of the rink. It was difficult to watch, not because it was embarrassing, but because I know how hard he is on himself when he’s not immediately good at new things. I wanted to see him having fun, and instead I saw him frustrated and discouraged as all he could do was attempt to remain vertical.

I figured it couldn’t get worse, so I suggested that we trade in his skates for a smaller pair with the more secure plastic buckles to see if that made any difference. He went along with it, probably just to humor me, and we stuffed his feet into some size twelves and made sure his ankle support was good as could be. When I tell you it was a night and day difference, I’m not exaggerating. Suddenly he was speeding around the ice like a pro, lapping past me and his sisters with the biggest smile on his face. He circled the rink over and over again; as his confidence grew, so did his joy, and he even began to try tricks and spins. All he had needed was one little adjustment to his foundation, and he suddenly felt safe enough to have fun.

Here’s the thing: most of us go around in our lives on rickety old skates with worn-out laces. When your only focus is doing your best to remain upright, there’s not much room for joy or play. The big shame in that is that play often is the medicine we most need.

In my experience, the crux of inner child work is reconnecting to the part of you who knows how to play. Sometimes you may first need to make some adjustments that allow you to feel safe enough to play, like practicing nervous system regulation and self-soothing. Once you’ve done that, though, your goal is to invite in as much play as possible. And not adult versions of play that are really just a facade for dissociative behaviors, but real, childlike wonder.

Invite in curiosity and awe and silliness and uninhibited joy. Start by returning to the things you loved to do when you were a kid. Maybe that means setting aside time each weekend for arts and crafts. Maybe it means participating in physical activities that feel like play, such as dancing, swimming, sports, or jumping on a trampoline. Maybe it just means giving yourself permission to skip while you walk or sing while you drive.

The point is, when you bring those younger versions of you into your present-day life, you not only have more fun, but you also experience more healing. We were never meant to lose touch with our inner child. Yes, it’s important to learn how to be self-sufficient and responsible, and aging is inevitable. But it’s equally important not to take yourself too seriously along the way.

Try This

Your homework is to set regular playdates with your inner child. Do things that sound like fun, even if they don’t make logical sense. Allow yourself to be as carefree and openhearted as possible, without judging the things that bring you joy. The sillier it feels, the more on point you likely are. Here are some examples to consider:

  • Take an afternoon off of work and go to an amusement park.
  • Schedule an evening of watching your favorite childhood movies.
  • Spend the weekend out in nature, frolicking with your imagination.
  • Try something brand new, like rock climbing or ice-skating, to tap into that feeling of beginner’s mind.

Play is an important part of our overall well-being. Consistently making time to get into that creative flow state will help you deepen your relationship with your inner child . . . and your adult self. I suggest checking in at least once per month, if not weekly, to see where you can fit more play into your life.

Excerpted from Choose Your Self: How to Embrace Being Single, Heal Core Wounds, and Build a Life You Love.

Megan Sherer


Megan Sherer is a certified somatic therapist and licensed hypnotherapist whose mission is to help others build healthy and fulfilling relationships, starting with self. She hosts the Well, Then podcast and founded the women’s therapy app The Self Care Space. For more, visit megansherer.com.

Choose Your Self

Learn More
Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Bookshop | Sounds True

Rha Goddess: True Ambition: Shine Bright. Stand Tall.

What comes up for you when someone calls you ambitious? Are you offended? Appreciative? A little of both? What about the word “sacrifice”? Whether it’s in your career or your personal life, where do you draw the line when it comes to deferring your own wants, needs, and desires in service of someone else’s agenda? In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with author and entrepreneurial soul coach Rha Goddess about her new book, Intentional Ambition, addressing these life-changing questions. 

Tune in for an inspiring, provocative, and in many ways healing conversation that digs into: a more balanced definition of “success”; wounded ambition and the fear of taking risks; how our resistance to disappointment creates disappointment; the dilemma of “living on halftime”; restoration after a breakdown; distorted determination; sacrifice and suffering; reconnecting with our humanity and building a society where everyone thrives; the “belly full” personality type; the five ways ambition can be wounded—and the five healing “redemptions”; systemic roadblocks and overcoming that which thwarts us on our path; reclaiming—the first step in renegotiation; refusing to buy into the “scare of scarcity”; embracing the truth of our wholeness and worthiness; rewriting your inner narrative; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

Megan Sherer: Being Single: An Intentional Experiment

Have you ever found yourself in an intimate relationship that seemed great at first but quickly devolved into something extremely dissatisfying? Maybe you ignored the red flags you saw on that first date or told yourself it’s still better than being alone. Why do we do this to ourselves? How can we break the pattern? In this episode of Insights at the Edge, join Tami Simon in conversation with coach and somatic therapist Megan Sherer, sharing empowering teachings and approaches contained in the new book Choose Your Self: How to Embrace Being Single, Heal Core Wounds, and Build a Life You Love

Give a listen as Tami and Megan discuss: becoming one’s own closest friend; working with shame; overcoming our fear of loneliness; feeling your feelings (instead of intellectualizing); the inherent difficulty of the path of healing and growth; when self-love is really hard; emotional availability; separating your self-worth from your relationship status; trust in life; aligning your values and your choices; the difference between a body and a soul; creativity and purpose; somatic therapy, trauma work, and the human nervous system; the concept of “situationships”; grace in times of transition; establishing healthy boundaries; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

>
Share via
Copy link
Powered by Social Snap