How Reframing Conflicts Can Actually Help Your Relationship

    —
May 25, 2023

In the Internal Family Systems model, the practice of speaking for, rather than from, parts when they are triggered is an important aspect of Self-leadership. When people receive a message from you, it has two components: the content (the actual words) and the energy behind the words. When your protective parts are upset and speak directly to another person, invariably they will trigger parts in the other. When, on the other hand, you listen to your protectors and then speak for them, from your Self, the message is received in a very different way, even if you use the same words that your parts are saying. Your words lose their judgmental sting or their off-putting desperation and coerciveness. Instead, your respect and compassion for the other person will be heard in addition to the courage of your convictions.

Self energy has a soothing effect on any parts it touches, whether they are in you or in another person. When your parts trust that you will speak for them, they feel less driven to take over and explode at people. What they really want is to have a voice—to be listened to by you and to have their position represented to others.

Practice: SELF-LEADERSHIP AS A WAY OF INTERACTING IN A CONFLICT

These practices—remaining the “I” in the storm or the empty vessel, and speaking for rather than from your parts—can be combined into a general way of relating as a couple when you have conflict. When you begin to fight, each of you can try the following:

  1. Pause
  2. Focus inside and find the parts that are triggered
  3. Ask those parts to relax and let you speak for them
  4. Tell your partner about what you found inside (speak for your parts), and
  5. Listen to your partner from your open-hearted Self

When a couple is embattled and each focuses inside, as in step 2, usually they only hear from their protectors. If it feels safe enough, moving an extra step toward vulnerability can reap big rewards. That step involves staying inside long enough to learn about the exiles that your protectors are guarding, and then telling your partner about these vulnerable parts. In most cases, when one partner has the courage to reveal the vulnerability that drives their protectiveness, the atmosphere immediately softens and the couple shifts toward Self-to-Self communication.

This is an excerpt from You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD.

Richard Schwartz

Richard C. Schwartz, PhD, is the creator of Internal Family Systems, a highly effective, evidence-based therapeutic model that de-pathologizes the multipart personality. His IFS Institute offers training for professionals and the general public. Formerly an associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Illinois at Chicago and later at Northwestern University, he is currently on the faculty of Harvard Medical School. He has published five books and is a sought-after presenter. For more, visit ifs-institute.com

Author photo © Dana Quigley

Also By Author

No other posts by author

You Might Also Enjoy

Zach Leary: Psychedelics in the 21st Century and How t...

He’s the son of Timothy Leary and one of today’s leading voices in the psychedelic renaissance of the 21st century. But Zach Leary’s journey hardly unfolded in the way you might expect. In this deeply informative and myth-busting podcast, Tami Simon speaks with Zach about his new book with Sounds True, Your Extraordinary Mind. 

With a “friend to friend” approach to discussing the amazing potential for the safe use of psychedelics, Tami and Zach converse about: carrying forward the legacy of the front-runners of psychedelic exploration, including icons like Terence McKenna, Humphry Osmond, Dr. John C. Lilly, and of course, Zach’s father Timothy and Richard Alpert (Ram Dass); acknowledging the mistakes of the past and dispelling the myths and misconceptions about psychedelics; bringing legitimacy to the use of psychedelics for healing and insight; a review of the major compounds and their sources (natural and manmade), such as MDMA, psilocybin mushrooms, ayahuasca, LSD, and ketamine; the importance of the 3 S’s: set, setting, and sustainability; turning insights into action; challenging experiences (instead of “bad trips”); Carl Jung and shadow work; using psychedelics to overcome our fear of death; Zach’s personal battle with addiction and how psychedelics supported his recovery; the nature of consciousness; psychedelics as humanity’s evolutionary partner; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

Stephen Porges and Karen Onderko: All Healing Begins w...

In every social interaction, we convey signals of trust and accessibility to those around us. In other words, whatever’s happening within your nervous system is seen and felt by others. Dr. Stephen Porges’s groundbreaking Polyvagal Theory has led to a revolution in mental health, showing us that when you bring conscious awareness to your own inner state, you can choose to self-regulate (and ultimately to co-regulate), stop the cycle of fight-flight-freeze, and become a source of empathic connection and mutual safety for yourself and the people in your life. 

Join Tami Simon in conversation with Dr. Porges and Karen Onderko, coauthors of the new book Safe and Sound to learn about: the origins of Polyvagal Theory; the minimization of bodily feelings and emotions in mental health care; the evolutionary hierarchy of our brainstem’s survival mechanisms; the concept of co-regulation; the neurobiology of trust; neuroception and the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP); why the intonation qualities of vocalization are more powerful than the words we say; the amazing vagus nerve; applying the SSP for trauma healing; self-compassion and honoring the body’s wisdom; the transformative potential of a felt moment of safety; how to remain open and accessible without becoming overwhelmed by vulnerability; breathwork, qigong, and other neural exercises that facilitate the social engagement system; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

Martha Beck, PhD: Beyond Anxiety

Just hearing the word “anxiety” can be enough to make you feel it. If you’re someone who’s struggled with chronic anxiety, panic attacks, or simply feeling safe in a world that seems far from it, this is a podcast for YOU. Here, Tami Simon speaks with renowned life coach and bestselling author Dr. Martha Beck about her new book, Beyond Anxiety. Enjoy this empowering conversation filled with science-backed techniques and spiritual insights to take a creative, whole-brain approach to freeing yourself from anxiety. 

Tami and Martha discuss why anxiety can’t just be ended—it must be replaced; the neurology of creativity; the left brain anxiety spiral and the negativity bias; the link between the right brain and our sense of purpose and meaning; the metaphor of the puppies and the cobra; the futility of trying to control the environment; the amygdala and the metaphor of the hall of mirrors; lovingkindness meditation; the power of a calm human voice and how to be an “anxiety whisperer” for yourself; self-care (including sleep!); HSPs (or highly sensitive people); the money excuse; the story of Griffin the therapy dog: a lesson on questioning our fears; the shift from fear to joy; the eureka effect and how the right brain “loves an impasse”; appreciation of the present moment; the mnemonic device, “KAT”: kindness, art, and transcendence; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

>
Share via
Copy link
Powered by Social Snap